Im not sure if this will help your situation, but whenever i was going though that, to not make myself feel pain because i think i deserve it. And realistically i still think i deserve some, i cant do anything. But i can be selfish to myself and say that i dont like the pain or things going wrong, i just want everything to be okay. Its okay to not want to be hurt, even if you think you deserve it. Its a favor to yourself. I cant shake the feeling of what I've done, i live in guilt. But i can hopefully have a life where nobody gets hurt, have you tried to ask yourself why you believe you deserve it? Because in all honesty we are all human and we all have issues that nobody else will truly understand. And in all honesty i dont even understand whats wrong with me. I doubt i ever will. But i can move on with my life because i try my best to help people around me i dont believe i deserve pain anymore because I don't hurt others anymore. Im really bad with words but i really hope you can find something out