adonist

293d

in-between jobs right now. ever since I started working, everytime I've been left unemployed for even a short period of time I become immeasurably depressed. every time I've been out of a job I've attempted. there's just some way my family makes me feel like I'm worthless when I'm not working and it tears me apart. I don't want another job that I hate but that's what I'm going to get. I get over worked, I never get any proper accommodations for my autism, and I always always get scheduled with all-men shift, despite my superiors knowing about my fear of men. it all leads to such a shitty work environment that i break down and have frequent panic attacks weekly on shift, but at the same time being unemployed feels just as bad, even worse. last time, I got so depressed I refused to sleep on my bed because I didn't deserve it, and I refused to do anything leisurely (watch TV, play games, etc) because it felt like every moment I spent not looking for a job was a moment that u had wasted. and my family was telling me (untruthfully) that I was going to get kicked out and that everyone was going to be disappointed in me and that they were going to stop supporting me and I don't know if they think they're motivating me but the only thing my brain absorbs from that us "it's time to give up." and I'm so fucking scared because it's happening again. my dad wants me to go to culinary school but there's only 2 culinary schools in my city, one is 74k and the other is 37k, and I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life but I don't want to get another shitty job with shitty pay that makes me want to die but I don't want to die but sometimes it just feels like the only good option when every other option leads to such intense unhappiness and poor quality of life. I don't know what I'm supposed to do because every decision I make will be the wrong one. to clarify, I'm not suicidal at the moment, it's more like an intrusive thought right now, but I definately have been in the past.

Depression

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  • BrainFog

    293d

    Aww I’m so sorry that sounds overwhelming. I’m guessing you are a lot younger than I am, looking back over a lifetime of shitty or unsatisfying jobs, working with jerks, and also the flip side, pushing myself to be “looking for something else” 24/7 and then ending up settling. Don’t waste your life doing that. Take time to pause and figure out what You are good at, want to do and can tolerate emotionally. See if you can take a test to help you figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Can you step back and take a break from the pressure you’re putting on yourself? Do you have any interest in culinary school or is that only what they want for you? My advise is to think about it this way: what is the worst thing that could happen if you graduate with student loan debt? They can’t come and take away the knowledge you’ve gained even if you miss a payment… debt is not wrong if it isn’t frivolous. But maybe you will be able to pay it back. After all you would be learning a satisfying trade, given it interests you, and that will lead to an income stream with which to pay back the loans. And you are as deserving as anyone else to have a good life. We all are.

  • StrawberryKiwi

    293d

    I'm so sorry your family is making you feel this way. I know what it's like to feel worthless because you're unemployed. I didn't celebrate my birthday last year because I thought that I didn't deserve it. I just got my first job at 20 but there's still this nagging feeling that I'm not good enough. I want you to know that you're not alone and I think your family is wrong. You're worth so much more than they'll have you believe job or not.

  • StrawberryKiwi

    293d

    If you're ever having a hard time or just want to vent feel free to message me. ❤️

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