Hamburger

340d

Has anyone else lost a parent to drug addiction as a child? I lost my father to heroin on my 16th birthday.
Today I turn 20. I have my own 4 month old boy now. I'm in school. I work. I'm engaged.
I need to be strong. I need to succeed.
All I can think about is my dad. He traumatized me surely but I would do anything to talk to him, to hug him. To hear that he's proud of me. To tell him I love him and I forgive him. We all have demons and his killed him. It makes me sick to my stomach. How must his life have been? What must it have been like inside his head? To feel such a need to numb the pain that his life around him fell apart; that he died for it. All I can hope is that he has peace now.
The only problem is now I can't find mine.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Of the 33 of you maybe 1. Maybe 1 person I could relate these feelings with because nobody gets it. Nobody sees why I'm not simply angry with him. I don't feel better off without him. I want my fucking Dad back. I want him to know his grandson. I wanted him to see me graduate. I wanted to tell him about my fiancee.
I don't know. I think it might help just to know other people struggle the same. I've always internalized this battle but of course that has not made much progress towards health.

:)

Generalized pain

View all
  • PotassiumC

    340d

    First and foremost, happy birthday! Thank you for sharing a bit of your story! My dad struggled with addiction all my growing up years. He was in and out of my life and put me through hell! But I always loved him and wished he could be in my life. Time after time he chose drugs. So I was barely around him and always feared I would get that call that he was gone… there was over 5 years where I didn’t hear from him at all! Until a little over a year ago he came back into my life. I was totally in the same boat as you because I have a child and always longed for a relationship with my dad and for my daughter to know her grandpa… I never thought it would be possible. Our relationship is strained, there were many years of drug abuse and incarceration and I have now found out that all those years he was self medicating because he suffers with bipolar and other mental health issues, nevertheless I am grateful to have had an opportunity to share my daughter with him in this life. I am so sorry for the loss you feel. Regardless of any of your dads choices, he had an addiction and you can love and miss him all you want! I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with people thinking you shouldn’t feel your feelings! I hope you can have a moment to express all these things out loud. Your dad may not be here in flesh but his spirit could be near by! Talk to him and tell your little guy about him when he’s older! Hugs to you! You will get through this 💕

  • Fefanny

    339d

    Keep it strong girl and happy birthday. Never think your father want to be out off your live he just struggle with something more powerful than him. I’m sure he loves you with all his heart but drugs are something can take the live of someone and never let them go. Just keep the memories you have of him on happy times. And tell your little guy about him And dont worry of how long is gonna take you to cry for your lost cause I’m still crying. But put your head up and make him proud whenever he is to know his little girl is a wonderful mom and make his path in the world count. Then our parents are no perfect I live through all my childhood with the addiction of my dad he always have time for us even on those hard times. But we want he to change so my grandpa move him from PR to NY and he almost die cause they cut him from all those drugs he use to take but God save him and he take it so for almost 15 years I take all those visits he make to PR to pick on the lost time. Then I move to CT and visit him every month in 2014 we make our last trip the Niagara Falls and after that 5 months of trips from CT to NY to visit him but no regrets I’m glad I have all those years to give him love unfortunately he passed on my birthday on 2014 ❤️

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.