Finding Friends Who Care: A Struggle for Trauma Survivors

This is only one of many possibilities but something I talked about in therapy today was my mental definition of a healthy safe relationship and how my codependency and trauma responses play into my sense of security in friends. I hope you find what you’re looking for i too find it hard to talk to someone for me its when I can’t use mental health language if that makes sense :3

I think that some people just aren’t deserving of your story. And they just don’t understand. Our society does not do well with negative. They want to jump right out of it so they want to change the subject or give advice or whatever it is to get them out of the discomfort of something negative. I find that you have to slowly “test” friends with increasing levels of depth to see what they can handle. Some friends are always going to be surface level…

The safest way Ive ever tested the waters with new people to see if they share traumatic experiences is bringing up something I struggle with due to trauma at appropriate times, and asking if they experience any difficulties from trauma

Not gonna lie I start off a lot of friendships with talking about my trauma

I honestly relate so much to this. Try thinking back to old friends or childhood friends, sometimes reconnecting with someone who was around you when you were growing up can feel close and safe. I've been able to kind of figure out people who have been hurt either physically or mentally if you pay attention really well. Some of my coworkers I've just gravitated toward because of their kindness and their energy, it feels warm and safe. Try to make friends with people who right off the bat, you feel calm around, or warm or safe, those are the people who will be there for you!

common interests is one i hear a lot, and it def works but I usually end up feeling guilty for talking ab myself in order to get to that point. it helps to pretend I'm playing a character they already love. that's prolly not healthy either tho 🥴 im new to this app & dk if I'm keeping it but my ig is in my bio.

As hard as it can be, keeping the conversation light by talking about hobbies, shows, pets, etc. can really allow people to get to know you for who you are as a person now. Just because someone can’t relate or can’t empathize/sympathize to your trauma (I’ve had this too) that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to be “bad” friends. It’s super easy to talk about things that are obvious to you and about how trauma has shaped you. My friends don’t have the same trauma as I do and my fear can seem silly and irrational to some until they hear the story. It takes a lot of practice, and asking them questions about themselves can keep them talking and keep the conversation flowing. Interesting ones could include “if you had to become a character in a show, which one, and how would you fit into it?”, “what’s one of the craziest nights you’ve had?”, “what’s the best picture you’ve ever taken?”, “how would you describe yourself with an animal?” Etc. These open up doors for personalities of people to come out, and you can see different sides of them. You might be able to see different sides of yourself too, or learn about things you could be interested in. While trauma may have shaped who you are, it’s not ALL of you.

Honestly, I struggle with this a lot. I tend to be way too open about my childhood trauma because I can easily read whether or not I will click with people by hoe they react to it. We could chat and see if we click, if you want? :)

I also heard somewhere that focusing on common interests, hobbies, or things that inspire you can help. I’m also doing shadow work to explore certain fears I have that are holding me back from making friends who inspire me and I inspire as well

I wish I knew the answer too! It’s almost like I’m addicted to talking about my trauma with friends. I’ll see if I can ask my therapist the same question