The Burden of Apologizing for Things You Don't Need to Apologize For

I hate that my first reaction to something horrible happening to me or those around me is to apologize. “I’m sorry I missed days of work, I apologize for the inconvenience I’m not making this meeting, I’m truly sorry about not presenting due to blah blah blah BLAH BLAH” IM TIRED I AM SORRY, I AM. But I know that I don’t need to apologize for those things. And to make amends is to first acknowledge you did something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, sure, I dropped everything that Tuesday night and manipulated a friend to drive me an hour back to my hometown, because the only thought in my head was “I need to hug my little sister, I can’t leave her alone” Why do I call it manipulation? He was the first one I texted about all of this. He’s one of the people who accidentally got a glimpse into my life and I hate myself for bringing him back for more. I have an exam tomorrow. I was at the library that Tuesday night when my sister called telling me that they were taking mom to the hospital. Her pain being more unbearable that night. And guess what the lovely American Healthcare did to her that night. Nothing. Some Toradol and not a single bed. They kept her in the lobby and gave her a small blanket. When I arrived home around 2am, I hugged my sister and talked to my moms boyfriend for the first time on equal ground. I hugged my child, my Dulce, my dog. She was so happy to see me. I held her for the rest of the night. I left a voicemail to my professor who’s research seminar I was going to present in. It was around 11pm at night while I waited for my friend to pick me up from the library to take me home. I am not even going to deny, it is embarrassing to think about. I was so freaking dramatic.! Who leaves a voicemail to their professor about not making it to a presentation that your had weeks to prepare for only to leave the night of because your mom is going to the hospital, so you call him crying and apologize. You apologize for missing your presentation because your mom is at the hospital. Isn’t that embarrassing. I missed his class to the following Thursday. I missed classes the rest of that week. I took my mom to the clinic for a post hospital exam on Friday. I have lost faith a long time ago in the American Healthcare system. The reason my mom was at the hospital that Tuesday night was because there’s a stent in her kidney the very doctors put in there to help her. The stent went in November 2019. It was meant to come out three months later. 3 MONTHS. But the world went to SHIT three months later. 3. They pushed her appointment further and further and then they just forgot about her, but she kept coming back for her diabetes and told anyone that would “listen” to her increasing pain. They left notes, told her to schedule an appointment with the phrenologists, and she did. What did the phrenologists tell her? You need to talk to a Urologist. It’s October 2022. The soonest appointment they could give her after going to the emergency room was November 8th. Just to TALK with the urologist. When are they going to take that shit out. WHEN. I hate that is all that I can think about. I hate that I hate that’s all I can think about. I hate that I hate that I hate that my mom was probably right back in November 2019 in not telling me that she went to the hospital that first time because the last time we had spoken, I told her I was taking exams that week. I told her to never forbid my sisters or herself on telling me. But and my sister called me that Tuesday night while I was studying for the exam I take tomorrow that’s for the class I called the professor for. It’s 9:09am. My biology class started 9 minutes ago. The breakfast I reheated around 8:45 is cold again. I want to hold my dog again.