Dating again after an abusive relationship

Idk I would tell him. I started dating my current partner before breaking up with my last because I was trapped and had attempted breaking up with him multiple times. There have been a number of similarities including basic "that's just my type" kind of things as well as small coincidences like coming up with the same pet names and such. It can be close enough that we've had worries that my family thinks/thought they were the same person. I was lucky enough that he already knew about the situation and my abusive ex since he was my closest friend during that time and could see the similarities himself, he avoided a number of things knowing theyd likely remind me of my ex and while now it likely wouldnt bother me at the time it definitely would have. I made sure to reassure him that any comparison I made was essentially a way of processing and coming to the conclusion "he wont do that I'm just traumatized" and it was really important for my trust that he knew both that there was abuse and similarities occuring in our relationship as well as the fact that I was intentionally working on things to make sure that that didnt cause a rift between us so he knew effort was being put in to unpack that trauma and how he could help. I think it's really important to emphasize that first year, it was less than a year for me but that period of lovebombing and grooming is a serious part of both abuse and the trauma that comes with it. Not only is it designed to make you feel attracted to them and secure until you're too invested to leave, it also works to give you trust issues. If the abuser can make you feel like everyone is the exact same way then they can make you feel like theres no point in leaving. Regardless communication is a must both in general in a relationship and when yike trying to form a close functioning relationship with someone while you have trauma.

Oh Im so sorry you went through that too. A few years after it ended for me I started dating again. The best thing for me to heal and get over the fear was going on public dates at first. My therapist told me the way to heal trauma like that is to have consistent safe and healthy experiences related to dating/sx. I met my husband during the process of healing and he helped me so much. Also, I would not directly tell the guy if you like him that he reminds you of your abusive ex. That may push him away. I would mention a few of the details like boxing and engineering and your ex and say that people who like the same things just put you on edge a little. Later when youre deeper in the relationship you can tell him the he specifically reminded you of your ex, and at that point he should know that you arent pushing him away because of it.

My situation has nowhere near the severity of yours, but I've been in multiple relationships where the person would start out really nice, one day just need a *little* space because they weren't feeling well, and then within the day or the next they dumped me. My current partner has needed space (not from me just in general, but the same way) many times, and in the beginning I would always freak out. I told him about what my exes did and he was understanding and he felt like he understood me better. If you really trust this person, I'd say it's a good idea to tell them, but maybe not until you're actually in a relationship? Idk

Hey, I’m so sorry you went through this. I guess I wouldn’t want to know I remind someone of their abusive ex - but I would want to know that they had an abusive ex - that way I could be aware of potential triggers and learn about how to help someone. Transparency is key, but assess how you would also feel someone approaching you with this. What would you like to know to help the person you were seeing? You can’t help projecting on them if they have many similarities - but you sound reflective enough to know that just because you have a type doesn’t mean everyone will be an ass. If the memories and trauma are projecting too much and impacting your current relationship - it may be time to start thinking if some trauma therapy is needed. I wish you all the best x

hi I'm sorry you had to go thru that I've been thru something similar. I think I would make him aware of how bad ur last ex was, similarities between both of them, and how you feel about it. I think you should be completely open because communication is part of a healthy relationship.