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breadbored

650d

does anyone else feel like it's impossible to make even professionals understand?? I dont want a diagnosis I'm too scared of that. it's not worth it to try and explain it because NO ONE CAN SEE IT. it's all happening inside my head. does that make any sense?? I AM impulsive and I DO want to lash out all the time, but i take it out on myself, and in my head I'm pushing people away and ending relationships that haven't even begun, and idk. I'm just quiet about it. but i have the worst mood swings and panic attacks and derealization and im so forgetful and im so angry and it hurts so much to try and hold it all in like this. but I have so much stuff on top of it that I feel like this is the way it all had to mix together. but no one will ever get it because they can't see it. my therapist can't see it. my fp couldn't see it and they're gone now and I just want to be done with this.. everyone leaves and I'm really never mean to them (even when I hate them and couldn't begin to explain why) but they still drift away and I don't get it... I feel like im lying to everyone constantly I just wish there was a person who understood all my weird symptoms and how they interact and conflict with one another. please someone tell me there's a reason for this

Top reply
    • breadbored

      616d

      @aloi yeah me too. Tysm 💕 that helps a lot 🙏

    • aloi

      646d

      i completely understand. its so hard for me to describe exactly whats happening inside my head to others. im the only one who can see it in the exact way so when i explain my bpd tendancies to others they dont understand. i have a therapist yet i choose not to talk to them about bpd because i feel like they wouldnt be able to see it in me. its you that knows your disorder the most, you dont need to get diagnosed if thats not the way for you. i dont trust the "professionals" at their job in the first place. im seeing so many people with psychiatrists who dont know how to do their job

      • breadbored

        616d

        @aloi yeah me too. Tysm 💕 that helps a lot 🙏

    • DX

      650d

      I completely understand what you're going through, that has been my entire life. The thing is that we're gripped by our fear of abandonment, and our perception of people and the way we love them and the way they love us is completely distorted. I've been judged for it my whole life ("You need to stop taking things so personally," "You need to learn how to be by yourself," "I don't understand why you're reacting like this when it's not even a big deal."), and as I got older I realized I kind of had to force myself to start believing the opposite of what I felt. It's so painful and so much work, like I couldn't just exist. Every little thing would set me off and make me go into a panic. But I' the only one that understands me, and I was the only one who could do something about it. When I started forcing myself to believe the opposite and making choices based on that, things actually started to get a little better. When I thought I should hide how I feel because I was scared of pushing someone away, I talked about it. When I thought about messaging someone repeatedly because I was anxious I didn't get a response, I watched a youtube video to distract me. Then I discovered DBT and that just changed my life completely and helped even more. It's a difficult and painful journey that is so hard for people who don't go through it to understand; but you are not alone, and I promise that it gets better.❤️

      • breadbored

        650d

        @DX thank you ❤️ that sounds so much like me. I've just learned to distract or doubt myself and kind of curl up/freeze up inside and wait. I mean, I kind of had to since I was abused emotionally and only know how to hide myself. I keep feeling like my family hates me, that they're shallow and stupid, or that they don't want to understand or communicate with me and I know none of that is true but I just. can't. get past it. It's so isolating and exhausting. I get so angry inside that I even have people that try and care about me, like just them knowing anything about me is some kind of violation.. I want to yell at them and hate them but I've already messed things up because of that since I was really young and I know it'll have to go away.. and im lucky to even still have them around... :/

    • Tishh

      650d

      Everything you explained sounds so similar to what I go through. I've never really understood why I push people away and suddenly hate them. Currently trying to manage my panic attacks as well. Most the time I just feel alone and like I'm dying.

      • breadbored

        650d

        @Tishh me too😭 I'm so glad I'm not the only one but also I'm so sorry cause ik how hard it is😓🧡

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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