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Struggling with my Niece's Mother

TheDreamingWiccan

699d

I am rewriting this post because the last one I wrote was not the advice I needed so let me start over. Four years ago I started dating my fiance and met my niece who has been like a daughter to me since day one. For the first several months I took over as her mother when she had no one. Her birth mother had left her behind and took off with her older 2 kids and her father was gone after trying to commit suicide. I did everything that I could to make sure that she had the best life she could. I spent thousands to fix up her dad's house, took her everywhere I could afford so she was happy, and put food on the table so that she would be able to get her brother and sister back, something that her dad later decided he did not want to do. After moving out I still spent as much time with her as I could sometimes even keeping her a whole month. She was truly alone and often wondered why her mom did not love her at the age of 4. Last year I had noticed that she was having a rough time and I put her in soccer and piano so she could succeed in something and feel proud of herself. With how much her mom pulled her out of school it was a shock she had graduated from preschool on time and went to kindergarten. Now, I sit around everyday so hurt and confused because even though I feel like I have done everything I can to make her mom have compassion and respect for me I get nothing. I have not almost seen her in a year. It is tearing me apart. The more I let it affect me the more she keeps doing it. So my question is how do I not let her hurt me so bad? How do I not let her know that she is affecting me? If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it because this has driven me to dark places that lately I have had a hard time getting myself out of. TIA.

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Anxiety (Including GAD)

Generalized pain

Depression

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Top reply
    • Swancov

      699d

      Perhaps 'mothering' yourself could be something to work with. I'm so sorry for your pain

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    • Gracie1217

      699d

      Finally, I do use a number of apps I've found helpful for my mental health. I'm on an Android, so that might affect which are available to you if you have an iPhone. Here are some I've used and liked: > Finch > Curable > The Mighty > Noom > Sanvello > Sparkle > Delightful > Presently > The Tapping Solution > Insight Timer > ThinkLadder > Headspace > Calm

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    • Gracie1217

      699d

      I'm also wondering about talking to your PCP about a diagnosis of situational or clinical depression, and perhaps also anxiety, if you're dealing with poor sleep and constant ruminating thoughts about what you've been through. Your PCP may be able to connect you with resources in the community, support groups, articles, and/or suggest medication to try to get you stabilized.

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    • Swancov

      699d

      Perhaps 'mothering' yourself could be something to work with. I'm so sorry for your pain

      2

      Reply
    • TheDreamingWiccan

      699d

      I do have a therapist that I get together with weekly. My fiance is not supportive just says don't let her get to you.. you know how she is. I don't think he quite understands just how much I have given and just how bad I am hurting. It hurts to not have someone by your side that knows the pain you are going through. Are there any apps that I can use and turn to everyday when I have these problems?

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      • Gracie1217

        699d

        @TheDreamingWiccan It's really hard when those closest to you don't understand what you're experiencing. I'm really, really glad you have a therapist in your corner. Another next step might be to try building a support system for yourself: trustworthy, safe, reliable people who will respect and honor your experiences and support you in them. My support system includes several friends from my church, two pastors from different churches I don't actually attend, my therapist, my primary care provider, my sister, and several friends I've met through other interests. It's been so, so helpful for me to be able to call on one or more of these people when I'm really having a hard time; the beauty of having a number of people means there's always at least one person with time to reach back when I reach out. Maybe starting to find people like that could be helpful for you.

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      • TheDreamingWiccan

        699d

        @TheDreamingWiccan Honestly it only hurts more now that I have lost my own mother

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    • Gracie1217

      699d

      Hello, friend. It sounds like a really complicated, difficult, unfair situation, and I'm really sorry you're in so much emotional pain. Have you considered finding a therapist or counselor, even a religious leader like a rabbi or a priest, to connect with for help? It sounds like you are really needing a lot of emotional support right now (and that makes PERFECT sense with what you've been through) and maybe also some helpful strategies or tools you could use to support your own mental and emotional health. A therapist might be a really, really good first step, since they are trained in exactly this kind of thing. Not all therapists are created equal; mine practices internal family systems (IFS) therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and EMDR, and all of those components she offers have been super helpful for getting me through really dark times. Meanwhile, you're not alone, and you matter. šŸ’•

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ā˜ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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