Elektra

54d

I'm confused... My girlfriend has me so lost right now. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now. Been friends with her for several years with my husband. Being polyamorous was a choice I never have regretted... until recently. I don't like when she lies to me, or it feels like she lies to me.

We've been unpacking and she's constantly bagging on the amount of jewelry my past husband and I have together. It was something as cosplayers, that we had accumulated from thrift stores over our 7 years marriage before he passed away. "I never have had this kind of nice stuff." Yeah, she says that. I told her since we are dating she could wear any of it she wanted.

Well, she wasn't feeling good supposedly, so she was also pretty snappish today. She said something that really fucking hurt. "It isn't fair you and him (My husband that passed.) have so much nice stuff! It isn't fair you got everything with him!" Like, "Whoa, what the fuck!?" So I started crying because that genuinely stung.

My husband and her boyfriend passed away and she's focused on material objects!? But then hours later when she decided to say she was sorry she spun it as, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you. I just wish I had been there for all the adventures you had getting that stuff. I didn't get to date him that long, it feels unfair he was taken away. I miss him and he did so much for you."

I just... don't know how to take this...

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

Depression

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  • Meowjuana_420

    54d

    Maybe its just her way of grieving? She's seeing all of these things that you both had got different occasions and she wishes she could have been there with you both through those times? People grieve in weird ways. It doesn't seem like it was meant to hurt you I think she is just hurting as well different things trigger people differently than others. Maybe just sit down and talk with her how it made you feel?

    • Elektra

      54d

      Thank you for the advice.

  • Akujenias

    54d

    That would have stung to me too. I would've needed some time to calm myself before I would have been willing to hear that apology. I'm not experienced in polyamory myself, but am familiar with compersion and appreciating joy in someone independent of my experience. It seems hard for her to have initially been able to appreciate your joy and positive past experience. I've done this in real time with relationships when my significant other would have someone purchase them some nice gift that I couldn't get them myself, I would feel threatened for the value I could offer in this way. 'i must not be good if I can't get them the things that make them this kind of happy' it's a hard thing to cope through feelings like you describe here, for you or her. I wish you the best and welcome conversation if you ever need an ear.

  • mysoulismelting

    54d

    It's good that she apologized, but something I think is forgotten is how it affects you in that moment. Setting boundaries and talking through things calmly and rationally can help, but I think getting her a therapist and maybe even seeing a couples counselor would do some good. Another thing to remind her of is that you have time to accumulate your own things as a couple, and spending time together doing things you guys love is a good way of bridging this gap she might be feeling. You have to remind her that her outbursts don't just effect her but also you, and sometimes just saying sorry isn't enough and that's okay. It's not your job to fix her or be her therapist. There should be just as much giving as receiving on both ends, sure you can talk to her about expressing her feeling when she feels them rather than letting them build up into an outburst, but it's not your job as their significant other to fix them. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink kind of thing. They need to take the first step to understanding their grief and the best way to do that is through therapy or counseling. You should have to be their punching bag that will always forgive them because you're a person too, and them acting the way they did not only effected then but you too. It's okay to forgive them once, but if it happens repeatedly with the same outcome, even after talking to them, forginess is not something they've earned. You forgive someone trusting they won't do it again. (I'm sorry if this is long, tl;dr talk to them about going to therapy if they already are consider couples counseling. Just because they apologized doesn't mean you have to forgive them, especially for how they made you feel in this situation. They're the only one responsible for their actions, not you.)

  • CosmicD

    54d

    We all grieve in different ways. My gut tells me it was grieving. I know things will work out m.

  • Elliott_Velvett

    54d

    It sound like you're both grieving but in opposite ways she's externalizing while you are internalizing. I seriously recommend finding grief counselors for both you and her.

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