over a week ago I decided to stop my meds.I was already titrating off of one med and I wanted to see if I could live without them.my depression body-anxiety has been running rampant. part of me feels almost manic. like I could possibly run a marathon until I actually stand up.the conversations with myself have been coming out more often..having something to do with how alone I am. I've been bursting out in tears over unusual things and have really strong sexual and angry thoughts... which I'm secretly thankful for because ITS SOMETHING.sometimes I'm proud of myself for how well I manage given how strong and impulsive my emotions and thoughts are and how little love and contact I receive.. the biggest thing though is the underlying unwellness. not the thought-depression but the underlying depression. like I am not well. when I'm not at work (IF I make it to work) I lay in bed and scroll through my phone the ENTIRE time until I find sleep. I do this because, for the life of me, i. just. can't. my. dude. I can't get myself to do it. I feel almost no joy from anything. unless I come across a post that brings a positive emotional reaction out.. once my attention comes back to reality it -there is nothing else in my life at this time.I will be getting back on medication. only one this time though. probably some antidepressant. hopefully something very strong.
Here if you need a shoulder anytime. I deal with depression brought on by my cancer and the chronic pain involved. Makes life truly hard at times. Like go for a drive and release my tears and scream it out.. that is happening a lot less these days. So that makes me feel blessed. Its small victories that matter as well.
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