tw: suicidal thoughts and drinkingI feel so helpless. today I ran outside barefoot drunk with a bottle of pills and hoping to die. I don't know whats wrong with me. nothing works. coping skills dont work. I'm left with nothing but my pain. I came back home to my partner after running around a bit. it wasn't fun facing them. I can tell they are disappointed or worried or something. I know they care so much but I just don't know how to be ok and I'm so tired of living like this. I just want it over.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. When I was 18, I had a terrible drinking problem. My BF at the time was worried so he told my parents. I was so upset I got drunk and decided to hang myself. Right as I let go of the railing, I panicked and realized I didn't want to die. Luckily for me, I didn't break my neck, but I lost consciousness for a few minutes before my bf found me. I'll never forget what my mother said to me when she found out. "How can you be my shining star if you're dead"
Now I am married and have an 11 year old son, and I'm so happy. If I had killed myself, I would have never experienced the joy of having a little boy stumbling over and saying "I love you mommy"
I promise you, this is only temporary, and if you killed yourself now, you deprive yourself and others of being someone's shining star. 💕
There is nothing wrong with you, you are dealing with a horrible chronic illness. Maybe it would be helpful to reframe it. Instead of "what is wrong with me," (which I think all the time too) consider "what isn't working for me?" Is there anything that relieves the pain? I put on headphones and blast music in my ears and I paint. It doesn't always work but it has been a good place to start. I was suicidal a few months ago and ended up in the hospital. But I have been trying really hard to identify what is working for me and lean into that as hard as I can. You can do this and you aren't alone. I love the shining star comment! That is beautiful!
And by nothing wrong I mean you are not inherently flawed or broken. Something is obviously feeling wrong. I hope you are doing ok today.
I really love the rephrase " what isn't working for me?" 💕
I highly suggest finding a ketamine clinic and taking it from there, it has been life changing for me.
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