SmileySnail

143d

having another (monthly? biweekly?) total mental breakdown again - feeling extremely angry at myself for saying I'll do things and not following through (for months on end), for contributing less to pet care, for contributing less financially, for being ill, physically and mentally, and especially for it all being a burden I've dropped on my boyfriend with no warning. I wasn't this bad when we got together, I was an anxious, but totally physically healthy person when we got together. how did I become this usless shell of a person, and how do I convince myself they (bf and pets) wouldn't be miles better off if they'd all never met me? how long are they going to put up with me before he just leaves? and how on earth do I get better at following through with stuff? stupid little but yet immeasurably intimidating stuff like "cleaning the house"

I am garbage, and having a real hard time convincing myself that maybe I'm not?

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)

Panic Disorder

Acute Anxiety

Anxiety (Including GAD)

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  • SmileySnail

    143d

    TW self harm: When I am *this angry* at myself I sometimes lose control and beat on myself and I'm also really concerned this makes me look even more insane than I actually am and more likely to be left in the dust

  • CaitiBee

    143d

    It’s like you just pulled a monologue straight out my brain…I completely understand what you’re going through and after pretty much a decade of feeling like a useless person, I’m only just now starting to make progress. My husband and cats are happy to have stuck around through my shitty times and I’m glad I stuck around too. Because things are finally starting to look up. And they will for you too. You deserve kindness whether you believe it or not. Message me any time.

    • SmileySnail

      143d

      I legitimately don't understand why he loves me when I pull this kind of BS...I'm hoping he's like your husband. I know he's bought a ring, but every time this happens I question if he's still going to want to give it to me lol

    • SmileySnail

      143d

      we have a cat that lives in the spare bedroom right now because she's young and silly and eats stuff and the house is so messy it's not safe for her to be out unsupervised but until I can get the house clean I feel like I'm rapunzel-ing my own cat and I just feel horrible about it and like I don't deserve to have her. Or him, or the other cat or the dogs or anything. Heck.

  • SmileySnail

    143d

    and also I forgot to say this but thank you thank you thank you it's so good to hear that people have made it further through this. I'm really happy to hear about your progress <3

  • Natron01

    143d

    I am married and I go through this all the time. I won't lie this has caused a lot of issues between us. It doesn't help I work Two jobs during the week. When I leave my main job at night I usually just break down and loose it on the way home. I hate myself so much for causing problems. There have been so many nights I didn't want to make it home. But then I remembered that no one would be home for my puppy....

  • AlyssaNicole89

    143d

    I could’ve written this post myself. I am going through the exact same thing and just don’t know what to do to get better. My boyfriend works full time and almost completely supports me and I can’t even keep the house up for him, I feel completely useless and like why would he even want to be with me? It’s such a horrible feeling. I started taking meds that helped but it made me gain weight and lose my hair so I went off it and now I feel miserable again, I just can’t win.

    • SmileySnail

      140d

      yup, sounds just about right, minus the hair loss (I'm so sorry to hear about that)

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