Dealing with Resentment Towards My Family

i have so much resentment inside of me. for my parents, for my biological mother, for the people that -knowingly or not- enabled my bio mum to do the things she did. for the system. for the government. hell even for myself, not that i could explain to you why. my baby sister is the best thing in my life, but because she’s only two and because of my bloody resentment for my parents, i can only see her for a few minutes a day, during when my parents are going to bed with her and i’m getting up and we overlap at some point in that process. she has saved my life countless times in such a small timeframe and for that i even almost resent her a tiny bit. i’m barely existing. sleep all day, then sit up for most of the night, either spacey because of my meds, or getting drunk because the spaceyness has worn off and i can’t bare to have to feel my consciousness. i’m literally 18 years old, what the fuck did i do to deserve this existence. i am pointless. i’ll keep existing for a good while yet because i refuse to let my own fucked up existence turn my sisters existence into anything similar, so for her i will stay. i will hate myself and everything around me and be bitter and tormented, but when she’s around i will smile and i will love her and i will make sure she knows that she is the best thing the universe has come up with, and i will pray that it doesn’t break her the same way it broke me. when i’m no longer of service to her, maybe then i’ll reconsider the whole “to be or not to be” thing. for now, i struggle on. i am resentment personified, but it’s okay, because the pure unbridled love that i experience when she’s around makes it manageable. so. i struggle on.