Questioning My Gender Identity

Thank you all for responding! I didn’t know so many people were going through or have gone through similar stuff. I guess we really do put ourselves on an island mentally but we’re all more similar than we realize. I wouldn’t say I’m in danger or in an unsafe environment. I live on my own and have been married for six years. My wife is bi and is very supportive as I start learning about myself. My work is also very supportive of lgbtq. I think its a good thing that I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel comfortable/safe to finally try to figure myself out. My family is just close and we all talk and for the most part are on good terms. I’m just scared of losing that family community. I guess we were raised with family loyalty beliefs.

That sounds like a lot to try and process through and such a tough situation. I cannot personally give you any advice on transitioning but I offer support. I would say if you haven’t felt safe to process your feelings and emotions and figure out your true self, start there. There’s no rush and although transitioning may help you feel better about yourself, it won’t “fix” your internal world if you haven’t dealt and learned how to manage that yet. Growing up I thought I should have been a boy. I’ve come to realize now that I desperately needed protection and security and didn’t get that from my dad. So I thought if I could be more masculine I’d be protected and he’d love me and want to connect (family of girls and he always wanted a boy so I figured I be the boy). I was also in martial arts and military where feminine qualities put me more at risk so I tried to be even more masculine to protect myself. I’ve always been attracted to men and have had a lot of people comment asking or thinking I am a lesbian. That’s not something that’s ever fit for me though. And I don’t fit into the typical alpha female role in a relationship either. I’ve come to terms that there are certain things I like and don’t and am attracted to and overall I value security and protection and leadership and that’s ok and that’s what I look for. When I’m around a man like that, where I feel emotionally and physically safe, it makes me feel safe to express my femininity. That’s something I’ve really had to work on to lean into is that my physical appearance doesn’t always have to be my protector and I don’t always need a man to protect me. I’m sharing this all to say that I can relate and have found more peace in confidence in processing so much that I shoved down when I was younger. Everyone’s story is different and I pray you find clarity and peace with whatever you decide to do🙏🏻💕 Side note- may be relatable maybe not so take what you will from it… As an analogy something that I can strongly relate to from having an eating disorder is that whether I was big or small didn’t change how I truly felt about myself. Being a certain size or looking a certain way changed my perception of myself and gave me a sense of control and false sense of self-confidence until I really started processing what I was doing that for and what wants and needs I was trying to get met by doing so. The internal battle didn’t change until I came to the point where now I’m able to love myself no matter what size I am and don’t rely on behaviors. But some people will notice some eating habit and be like well that’s disordered and now I can confidently say and know that this works better for me and helps me be healthy, you’re only seeing a tiny clip and at this point in my life I know who I truly am and am committed to owning it.

Honestly I would look up other people's stories on YouTube and see if you can relate. That's what I did. I'm not going to suggest your trans or anything Because I don't know you. I recommend reaching out to a therapist and talking with them about how you feel. They can help you sort your thoughts and get to the bottom of who you are. The metion of being excited at dressing as the opposite sex sound like gender euphoria. It's the happy feeling you get from seeing yourself as your prefered gender... I'm a transfemme so get euphoria from being treated as a woman... I have struggled with myself for years. I'm 29 and I'm finally transitioning now. Don't be afraid to take your time and be sure of what you're doing. If therapy isn't an option try reaching out to other trans folks and talk with them. Someone that lives close to you can help Maybe.