Struggling with Mental Health and Socializing

the docs or anyone who hears about how i feel regularly know that its alot to deal with and i dont like that for myself. imagine who i couldve been if i didnt have all this straining on me. if i could grow like a flower with sun and water instead its like theres heavy bricks on top of me. i dont like this it gets in the way of me relating to people. i deserve to be happy!! i deserve to relate!! i deserve to make friends! i deserve to live without constant pain! i deserve relief and freedom from the past. i dont know why this is so much. why did i reach that deep moment just to end it why didnt i mentally stay there where i was fully conscious why did i leave it? is it better to talk to myself or be sweating from how in touch i am with myself which is it????????