The Frustration of Suicidal Thoughts

It’s unfair. I’ve felt suicidal during times in my life where I should be happy and everything is going well. I hope you are safe and have reached out to a medical professional. And I hope you know all your alikes are listening!

Sorry, i didn't mean to change the subject/ make it about myself. I didn't realize that I wasn't off-topic until I re-read it just now.

Important distinction, I'm autistic. I tell somebody that I want to kill myself, because that is a fact. Now they are infuriated, and somehow trying to punish me for saying those words. Because those words make them uncomfortable. They always assume that I'm saying it to hurt them, no matter how many times I clearly correct that assumption. When I act on it, I'm blamed for "not reaching out for help before it got to this point".

I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation since I was a little kid. I honestly have no idea why it’s always been in my head. It’s very weird to not want to be here, but not have a reason for feeling that way.

I hope that makes some sense. I'm 3 months prego and need sleep but suffer with anxiety so badly I'll never properly sleep 😂

Ah! Good ole self awareness. It's like watching your brain be a destructive asshole and you can only sit back and watch. Like a 24/7 out of body experience. I hope you're feeling a little better since this post ❤️ I hate feeling suicidal because it's just annoying at this point. I know I'll never be able to do it but I can't stop the feeling of wanting to. Like an annoying pest. Self awareness as annoying as it is can also be great because you're aware it's not something you can help and that can help your rational brain separate the thought and actually knowing it's brain bologna, potentially preventing acting upon it.