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689d

Some nights I feel like I am nothing but symptoms and letters and prescriptions, I feel so disconnected from this body and like life floats on around me, I’m fuzzy and scared about what people see when they see me. Childhood photos are so weird. who are they and where did they go? I know I have to be grateful for my grief and like thank and converse with my inner child and give myself what I need, but I’ve just been in a daze using coping mechanisms I was meant to throw out in middle school. Sorry this went a lot of different routes. I have therapy on Wednesday , I haven’t told her about my ed behaviors being active since the new year and I know I’m not going to yet. I feel like I’m wasting time dying, I want to live by the water one day, to be a prof and a writer, but I forget everything I want when I feel like I don’t deserve to be here anymore.

Top reply
    • shadowmyth

      689d

      You not only deserve to be here, you are a divine part of the universe’s perfect cosmos. By reading this, I can tell you have a lovely mind and a talent for putting them on paper, please keep writing, about everything and anything. I think being an artist brings a lot of these feelings about, we think too much, see too much, know too much, and we care so it hurts us sometimes. Getting off meds cleared my mind tremendously, but I am not recommending or saying you should do that, only you know what is best for you. Writing may clear your mind, even if you go in a million different directions with it, at least you’ve channeled it. At least you put at least some of the feeling out, instead of keeping it in. You probably already do that, I’m sorry if it’s bad advice. I don’t think it’s necessary to be grateful for your grief right now, I think where you are, it’s okay to feel however you do about your grief. There’s many ways to give yourself what you need and one small start is to not expect yourself to be on a level where you can be at peace with your grief. You are growing and growth is extremely uncomfortable, and it’s not linear, you can zigzag all you need, you’ll still get there. And don’t guilt yourself on not telling your therapist about that right now, it’s okay to wait til you feel you can, trusting people is a very hard thing and I’m proud of you for helping yourself by seeing a therapist. Hoping you’ll have clearer days soon.

    • shadowmyth

      689d

      You not only deserve to be here, you are a divine part of the universe’s perfect cosmos. By reading this, I can tell you have a lovely mind and a talent for putting them on paper, please keep writing, about everything and anything. I think being an artist brings a lot of these feelings about, we think too much, see too much, know too much, and we care so it hurts us sometimes. Getting off meds cleared my mind tremendously, but I am not recommending or saying you should do that, only you know what is best for you. Writing may clear your mind, even if you go in a million different directions with it, at least you’ve channeled it. At least you put at least some of the feeling out, instead of keeping it in. You probably already do that, I’m sorry if it’s bad advice. I don’t think it’s necessary to be grateful for your grief right now, I think where you are, it’s okay to feel however you do about your grief. There’s many ways to give yourself what you need and one small start is to not expect yourself to be on a level where you can be at peace with your grief. You are growing and growth is extremely uncomfortable, and it’s not linear, you can zigzag all you need, you’ll still get there. And don’t guilt yourself on not telling your therapist about that right now, it’s okay to wait til you feel you can, trusting people is a very hard thing and I’m proud of you for helping yourself by seeing a therapist. Hoping you’ll have clearer days soon.

    • lolo1576

      689d

      I understand exactly how you feel — but @UCBree is right!! You deserve to be here. You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. All of the doubts you’re having is just the anxiety talking. Sometimes when I’m feeling this way, I try to take a deep breath and ground myself. Then I remind myself that I need to live in the present and that life will play out the way it’s meant to. I really hope your therapist is able to help you. Sending good vibes your way

    • UCBree

      689d

      You absolutely deserve to be here, and you deserve all the good things that you want. That's not you talking, it's the anxiety. I hope your therapist will be a good one and really work with you. You are worth it.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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