Struggling to Communicate in My Relationship

Same, except I usually start the arguments, don't remember we've had them before, and get flustered and confused, which makes me pissed. I have little to no tonal control, which helps even less! My partner is similar, so we get the two of us on a bad pain day (ie- weather sucks, we are both in pain) and we're confused or repeating an argument, and it's gonna be a rough one. We make up after, and talk through (once calm) what we need and what we were confused about or frustrated about. It helps a lot, but only so much. We will be doing couples therapy soon to help us in this process/adjustment to our disabled lives.

My bf has this problem more than I do currently, but I used to struggle with it more until I learned coping strategies and ways to deal with those feelings. The thing that has helped me the most, that may seem way too simple, is to try to recognize when you're starting to feel defensive or overwhelmed and ACTIVELY CHOOSE to disengage with that response. I tell myself "no, I'm not letting this get to me." I can listen to what he is saying without it necessarily becoming my responsibility. To continue that, recognize that what they are sharing, while relevant to you and concerns a (theoretically) important relationship in your life, is not automatically your responsibility. The feelings that she shares are HER feelings and SHE owns them. You have your own. It can be hurtful and overwhelming to hear things that aren't consistent with our feelings and understanding of a situation, but taking a step back to realize that BOTH of our experiences are real and valid. Not just theirs, not just mine, not "only if they match/agree," they are both inherently valid. Another important skill is knowing when to step away. If you're getting heated or feeling defensive, it may be time to take a second. Do what you gotta do to cool off, then come back. A kinda specific thing that helped my bf and I when we were in a place that we couldn't talk to each other without it getting out of hand, we found we could talk on the phone. Not having the other person in front of us gave us the space we needed to process things better. It bothers him a lot when I cry when he says something I don't like and it can derail the whole conversation. On the phone, he may be able to tell I'm crying, but since he doesn't have to see it, it defuses it some for him and we can actually talk and make progress. I hope some of these tips help! Feel free to dm if you wanna chat more abt it

🙏 I can 100 percent relate to you. I do the same thing. But I am also lost with it. So I really don’t have advice on it. Yet anyways but I just wanted you to know your not alone. 💕 I always get in defense mood. Which just makes it worse. Or I just don’t say anything at all. Most of the time it’s when I am already having a episode so I feel like he doesn’t understand how hard I fight just to enjoy life sometimes. I hope this helped you at least a lil bit 🤗