Struggling with Eating Disorder Recovery

just in advance: this post is not conducive to ed recovery. don’t read it if you are in a fragile place. i am not doing well. my family keeps talking to me about my (apparently) visible weight loss. i thought i was hiding it all so well. i’m just not hungry and i don’t feel like trying to eat. i don’t have any of my original reasons to recover anymore. my therapist says i need to find new reasons, reasons that don’t have to do with other people, but i just can’t. i have no reason to keep myself healthy other than keeping other people happy and comfortable around me. i don’t care if i’m sick. i want to be sick. i know that’s bad, but it’s the biggest comfort i have in my life. it’s the only thing that’s been there forever. like a best friend. i know it’s more like an evil frenemy but idc. things are not good rn