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Lavinia

398d

TW for mentioning self h4rm, alter inactivity, idk what else Just a vent because I need to get SOMETHING out there before I completely lose it all. Today marks 1 month of our host, Lavinia (More known as Indie here), going inactive due to issues in the headspace and just personal problems in our system. So that means I’ve been in front for a month now, though I did have one day I was able to get out for a bit. But it was barely a break at all, it was a complete hell for me. For the first two-ish weeks, I had little to no communication with any of my head mates. I only had communication with one, and that was Flix (He has not made any kind of intro here yet). He was trying to help me manage all of this, but it’s not working at all. Indie is my best friend and I feel like I’m going completely insane without them here. Everyone is annoying to me and they all irritate me, even people who haven’t really done anything wrong. Just the small things get me angry at this point. From people and just the stress of having to take care of this body, I feel like all I am right now is anger. I didn’t get a chance to process anything or grieve over the fact that my friend could possibly never come back again, I was just forced into front and had to keep things out here running normally. As a result of that, I’ve just been overly angry at everyone and everything. It’s tiring and I’m sick of it all. I don’t even know if I’m doing a good job at fronting, I’m trying my best but I’ve messed up so much. Not even a week into fronting, I got so upset and angry with myself that I ended up grabbing the pair of scissors we had and just going for it. I feel so terrible that I did it, I was supposed to keep the body safe but I messed that up. I wish I could just do this right. I wish Indie was back already. Head mates keep saying things like “Oh they’ll be here soon! Wait a bit longer!” HOW FAR AWAY IS “SOON”? It’s so frustrating! They’re all so annoying and idiotic, if Indie isn’t actually here yet then why even bother telling me?? I really miss them a lot. They’re really all I want anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fronting to be honest. There’s so much going on, so many unprocessed emotions, so much anger built up. I’m gonna end up snapping and just start yelling at everyone soon. I’ve already started ignoring people and muting messages, they’re all so annoying. I hate this so much. I hate that I wasn’t given a chance to deal with this in any kind of healthy way. I hate that I’m making all these decisions without being completely sure of them. I hate so many people. I hate that the only person I don’t hate isn’t here. I want my best friend back, I miss them so much and it hurts a lot. They’re all I want. I want them to tell me that I’m doing a good job at all of this, even though I’m not. I just really want them to come back, but I might have to accept the fact that it’ll be a long time before they do. No one really knows when they’re gonna be back, despite them all saying it’ll be “sometime soon”. I feel like I’m going insane and no one is able to help me. But if help was offered, I don’t know if I’d accept it or just get angry at that too. It’s all so confusing and stupid. I’m so confusing and stupid. I don’t know where to go, and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. -🎭

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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