sometimes i feel like i can’t put my feelings into words. nothing i say holds the weight i need it too. i couldn’t describe my feelings if i tried.i guess it feels like i am not me. people only like me when i’m mirroring them. i do it so well sometimes i get lost in it. i lose myself and i don’t know who i am. i don’t think i ever did. i like taking little pieces of people, my most favorite things and molding myself into who i should be. it seems like they like it too. sometimes i’m scared that if i stop, if i could even figure out how too, they wouldn’t like what i’d become. i don’t think i’d like it either. when i have nothing, nothing to consume or mirror or to distract me, when it’s just me and the quiet and all i have are my thoughts i am lost. i am nothing. i have no sense of direction or time or meaning. i stare into nothing and it stares back and that’s just it. i’m motionless and nothing. i need to be someone. i need to be a person and i try by being everyone else and it feels right but i’m such a fraud. why cant i just be me? who even is that. it doesn’t make sense. i see people who are themselves and it just fits so well, they are them and that’s how they should be. i feel like there’s this long distance between people and me. like something is just so different. i know everyone is a little lost and is figuring stuff out but it feels like i’m so much more gone than them. like i have bits missing and they just don’t. not in the same way. i wanna go into someone’s brain. i wanna hear their thoughts and feel their feelings. i wanna know what they have that i don’t.
i think, that everyone in the World makes up their own personality based around the people they spend the most time around. dont take me as thing undermining what you feel because i TOTALLY get the mirroring thing, but it is not Weird or Different for you to build ur own persona through the personas of others. it is how you find yourself most times. i promise you if you read into other people’s thoughts, they would often have the same fears as you. that they are a fraud and aren’t interesting enough. you are not alone in those thoughts, and there are plenty of loving people who would be willing to talk to you about it <3
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