Struggling with BPD Recovery: Seeking Unique Tips for Motivation

i’m very knowledgeable about my BPD and i know so much about it. i feel like an expert sometimes, yet it so hard to recover. i’ve been diagnosed since i was in like the 8th grade, but only recently learned what it actually meant and was about 8 months ago. since i have been doing so much research and a week ago, i’ve decided i’m ready to get better. i’ve never genuinely tried to recover. i’ve been to 23 mental hospitals including a few partial hospitalizations, and I never tried. therapist after therapist because they kept beginning to see through my manipulation that im not “fine” “doing good”. medication regimen after new medication regimen because they always felt like they weren’t working because i wasn’t trying to get better. but i’m ready. i have resources lined up for me, but i’m beginning to lose motivation. it feels so hard. i’ve never been good with motivation ever. i can say i’m gonna clean my house everyday and keep it clean and will spend hours finally cleaning all and i don’t follow through with keeping it clean and that’s how it is for everything. i’ve cut off all of my social media apps and all friendships because i’m that unstable. i’ll hurt someone badly and switch so easy. it’s not safe. i only talk to my fiancé because he understands and lives with me. i don’t know what else to do. does anyone have any unique tips that help with working towards getting better and motivation.