How do you guys process finding out a dark secret of someone’s past? Someone that you love deeply, and ending the relationship would be extremely painful. My boyfriend recently revealed to me something he did when he was about 13-16. It was an inappropriate sexual act that went on for a few years until he realized how wrong it was. (We are 23 btw). I want to also preface that my boyfriend was molested and taken advantage of as a child, had an overactive sex drive from a young age, and was never taught about sex at all. I truly believe he is not the same person anymore. He has been in therapy for it and has addressed the victim and their family (whom did not know that this occurred). Everything that is happening as this situation unfolds is hurting me deeply. Knowing the pain and suffering this victim deals with today. Knowing that she hid this secret from everyone around her and had no where to go for help. My heart hurts, and I’m angry at my boyfriend for doing what he did. I also love him more than anything and we are so happy being together, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I need to process this with my therapist but lately I haven’t felt as comfortable opening up to him. Does anyone have any advice of how to cope with this? I plan to stay with him and help him work through this, as he is also in a lot of pain and feels extreme regret and remorse for what he did.
Chronic Generalized pain
If he has apologized to the victim, is holding himself responsible and accountable for the truth, is working with a therapist, and you believe he is trying and is truly a different person, I think that it’s okay to allow yourself to forgive him and be happy in your relationship. It’s also okay if that won’t happen for a long time and it’s also okay to be angry with him. I don’t think you are harming the victim or validating his actions by continuing to love him. You are working for the future while learning from the past. As someone who has also done horrible things and has also been raped and molested and abused, I held myself accountable for the truth and have been forgiven by those that I’ve hurt. It is up to the will of your boyfriend to hold his head high and accept healing, as is the same for the victim. It is no longer his or your responsibility to help the victim heal once you’ve apologized. They have their own agency now. As easy and convenient it is to hate him and for him to hate himself, choosing to accept and love every time will bring you both a better future and lives worth living. Tell him to keep striving to believe in himself and be the person he wants to be by learning to forgive himself. For if he doesn’t, he will continue to victimize himself thus creating more pain and victim. Love and forgiveness are the way forward. I wish you the best.
Thank you, thank you, so much for your insight and for sharing personal experiences. It means more than you know💜
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