What do I doI’ve never had friendsI had people from extra curricular activities such as chess or sportsI’ve grown up aloneMy father told me it was a curse since he’s noticed my lack of socialism he’s told me he’s grown up the same, I don’t blame him tho he hasn’t really been in my lifeMy interesting are different from my peers from when I attended public schoolI always felt isolated alone I was scared to be in a group not only for fear of having to carry the project or to fake being interesting in small talkI tried small talk I tried to connect to anyone I had no standards but I was always aloneI long for personal connection I tried fill the void with books documentary’s music healthy things, I’ve always been obsessed with musicians and i read how they lived, but majority of the ones I like have all committed suicide or some relating issues so I’ve never found any help from they’re diaries or auto biography’s I write poems to socialize I get out my bad thoughts but it no longer worksI paint or draw my issues but it no longer worksI’ve been in a sleepless slumber for a month now I feel so alone and if I’m anything like my father this is how life isI started drinking but it no longer helpsSmoking gives me a nice high with music but it leaves and leaves me alone shaking and worse then beforeI’m sad but I don’t cry I wish I had a friend I long for companionshipSometimes I open my socials and look at other people and covet what they haveI’ve tried looking at myself blaming my face or how I act or how different I am or if it’s my raceBut it doesent make sense I don’t understand why I can’t click I just know I’m to weak to go on like this foreverSomething had to change and it seems like Everytime I try to do something to change some issue presents itself and demolishes my hopesI have plans for my future but I don’t want a future if this is how it is, all my life from a young age I’ve thought about the future I’ve always had a yearning coming of age deep hole in my chest that had me awake at night restless Writing this makes me disgusted with myself I feel no pity and I look like a cock roach I’ve been successful I know who I am but who that person is clearly can’t have any companionship I’ve had relationships but they’ve all felt the same I’ve never connected with any of them and trust me I’ve been thru quite a fewThe only people I’ve liked left meI don’t understand why, they got spouses or other friends but they forgot about meI don’t blame them but it doesent mean I’m not angryHonestly I’m writing this like it’s an entry If you’ve read this then I appreciate you
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
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