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Cutting Out My Mom: Dealing with Transphobia in the Family

Mr._Dank

467d

I have decided I’m cutting out my Mom. I love her, but she always finds a way to hurt me. I’m transgender ftm and I’ve been out and transitioning for over 5 years. She still refuses to call me by my name (it’s even legal now), and thinks it’s funny when she uses my dead name to my face. She always plays the victim card with that it hurts her that I’m transitioning, but never even thinks how it’s affecting me. I live hours upon hours away from her, thankfully. I went for the holidays and I’m realizing, it’s all over. It has to be. My older sister has already been cutting me out because she’s having kids and doesn’t want me to “influence” her kids. I know I can’t change the way they see me at all, even if I was to “de-transition” for them. I don’t want their fake love anymore. I always end up worse after I get back home than before I leave to go to my mom’s. She completely abandoned me when I came out as trans. Most of my family did. I think I’m just in the depression stage of my grief and it’s eating me up right now.

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Social Anxiety

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Chronic Memory Loss

Depression

Generalized pain

Gender Dysphoria

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Top reply
    • Ammenaras

      467d

      Always do the right thing for you because life isn’t guaranteed. You deserve to be around people who love you for you and if your family can’t see that maybe someday they will

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    • Debstickles

      462d

      😥. You deserve so much better darling... Stay strong and do what is best for you xx

      1

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    • Pattie96

      462d

      I don’t have the same situation as you but I have also decided to recently end my relationship with my mother. I also decided to stop putting effort with two of my siblings as well. I always have been othered by them simply for having disabilities. And going no contact is hard… I realized the only way I can do this is by grieving. I have been so overwhelmed by it & can empathize with how hard it is. I hope you give yourself the time to grieve… It’s a shame they can’t see the love you have for them but I promise there are people out there willing to give you the love you deserve. You can exist as yourself and be loved. ❤️

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    • Mintee

      462d

      I can’t imagine how you feel making this decision, but I’m very proud of you. I know how tough it is. I have an abusive father who I decided to cut of my life. We are here for you. 💕

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    • 4byfour

      466d

      My dad said once that the best revenge is to live a happy life. I don’t believe in revenge, and he’s a pretty angry guy, but it’s good advice. love and live as many happy moments as you can. I guarantee they’ll look at you and wonder how you got there :)

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      • 4byfour

        466d

        @4byfour Also, I haven’t spoken to my father in over a year

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    • Unknown12

      466d

      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Stepping away from who you've known to be your family is incredibly hard, but also very brave. Just remember you are valid and worthy of a happy life. The world will never be 100 percent on our side as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but what's important is surrounding yourself with those who do support you. You get to decide who you consider your true family. Stay strong!

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    • K9

      466d

      That's absolutely awful. While I'm clueless on your situation I do understand the hurt. My mother does the same when it comes to finding a way to hurt me. She then disowned me on Christmas day. It's really hard to keep no contact but you will feel so much better. My suggestion is to find support it is hard

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    • Skye.Parker020

      466d

      Putting your mental health first is very important when transitioning. When family and friends are toxic, it may be hard but it’s best to cut them out so you can focus on the positive things and people in your life.

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    • betsybetsybetsy2021

      466d

      I'm a ♀️ born female, but I know the pain of familial rejection. I have also had people afraid because they think I am trans (I shave my face and my bushy eyebrows a bit because in high school one of the girls was mocked for having fine hair on her face) so despite not being trans, I still get a lot of the same hate. Plus I like to do a lot of guy stuff: construction work, tech work, watch football and futbol, etc. I used to be able to host Friendsgivings instead of Thanksgivings to celebrate with chosen family. I wish you all the Friendsgivings you need! 🫂💚🦕

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    • MidlightTheNightFury

      466d

      Don’t change who you are just because of ungrateful idiots if you want to be trans then be trans I’m lesbian I’ve been lucky to have support from a close friend I keep her quiet because if many find out who she is there protend to like me if you really do want to know my messages are open but don’t change who you are because of selfish people be part of the LGBTQ+ community they will help you through to the end Ik this with experience

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    • babyap

      466d

      cut them out b. they sound evil and i want you to remember this: blood doesn’t equal family. the people you support you are the ones who care and consider them family. if you doing what’s best for you “hurts” your mom, then she’s not worth the time. sounds super transphobic. focus on you, choose where your happiness comes from, and stay strong King. you’ve got this ✊🏻

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    • MerryHell93

      466d

      Family isn't just blood, I'm so sorry you had to go through that but I hope you find your people, because I guarantee there are people who love you for who you are not for who they want you to be 💜

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    • grilledcarrot

      467d

      Some people will only love you when you are exactly what they want you to be. Those people have impossible standards and it just leads to bad things. It's good that you're cutting them out. We're all proud of you👍

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @grilledcarrot You’re so right, unfortunately. I was raised in perfectionism and I cannot be that. Thank you so much. ❤️

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    • fix.this.later

      467d

      You're making the best decision for yourself and I'm so sorry that it's come to this. You deserve so much better than emotionally abusive "family" members.

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @fix.this.later Thank you❤️

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    • Kadair

      467d

      I know it has to be hard! I told my brother he had to go because he wasn't doing the right thing when he was living with us. He was doing drugs, and I do not allow that in my home. I still talk and see him now but after a week in a shelter that you have to do the work to quit drinking and drugs. Yes he was a heavy alcoholic also. Anyway, a totally different scenario here but in a way similar, I was not going to have to do anything with him if he didn't get the help he needed. I really feel for you right now, just know you have support here and you can message me anytime you need to talk! My daughter is bi and she had friends in high school that were non binary. It took me a awhile to understand this and use the correct speech when talking to them and so forth. It wasn't that I didn't support them it was just hard to remember saying them. I met them when they were a female and not non binary. I understand how you feel however, if my mom knew my daughter was bi, she would not accept it and preach to us about it. In my honest opinion, I feel everyone should be happy and whatever they choose as long as they are happy is all that matters. We have this life to live and why should everyone be miserable if they can't be who they truly are? It isn't right! Your mother, I am sorry she is doing this to you! My mother would do the same to me. If you feel the need to cut ties with her for your happiness and sanity I get it! I am here for you, and you can message me if you like.

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @Kadair I’m sorry about your brother:( I hope he gets better quickly! And thank you for your support. It’s a tough but much needed decision. I’d much rather be myself than be what they want me to be.

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        • Kadair

          463d

          @Mr._Dank your happiness matters, that is what counts!

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    • chloe309

      467d

      Hi, sorry to hear she's acting that way and causing you to struggle I had to cut my mum out my life about 4years ago and it was the best thing I ever did xx

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @chloe309 I’m glad you made the right decision. It’s taken me too long to realize I HAVE to do it.

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    • BubbleGirl1

      467d

      I'm so sorry your family doesn't understand nor respects you, I have many transitioning friends and see it all the time and it breaks my heart. Cutting them off is definitely the best choice it hurts but it'll hurt less than the way they treat you ..... If you want I'd gladly be your new sister. 💕 sending all the positive vibes and energy your way

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @BubbleGirl1 Aw, thank you. ❤️ It hurts, but it does hurt less than how they treat me. I’m still a mess, but it will get better eventually.

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    • Phoenix_Ashes97

      467d

      If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here.

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @Phoenix_Ashes97 thank you!

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    • RyeRyeBread

      467d

      I'm sorry you have to be in this position 💙 I agree that cutting them off would be the most logical, most emotionally healthy thing to do for yourself. You deserve a family who loves you and treats you as such. Remember that it's okay to grieve your family - the what-has-beens, what-could'ves, and what-should'ves - while you're in this difficult time. My best advice is to not let them in again, unless you're granted the respect you are entitled to. Calling you by your name, treating you kindly - those are the basics. If they cannot manage that, they do not deserve your company. Wishing you luck and healing 💜

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @RyeRyeBread Thank you so much. It’s been very hard to come to this conclusion, but it has to be done. I appreciate your words of encouragement ❤️

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    • RaeRae22

      467d

      I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are valid in who you are they are just close minded and judgmental. I'm going through something similar with having to cut my mom off so I dont have many tips on that part of it but I do know people will love you for who you are genuinely. The authentic version of you and your happiness is more important that the genetics you come from. 💙

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @RaeRae22 Thank you for your kind words. I know I deserve better, so I’m gonna give myself that instead of looking for it with them.

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    • littlefrog

      467d

      I’m sorry your family has treated you so terribly. they don’t deserve you or your love and patience if they can’t see past their bigotry to realize, in the case of your mom, she made a promise to love her child when she decided to have one. if this choice to cut them off gives you more peace in your life, then it is the right one. 🖤

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      • Mr._Dank

        466d

        @littlefrog It has been a battle for such a long time, but I’ve finally come to the conclusion it’s best for me to cut them out entirely. It’s going to be dark for a while, but I know in the long run it will be better for me to. Thank you for the support. ❤️

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    • Ammenaras

      467d

      Always do the right thing for you because life isn’t guaranteed. You deserve to be around people who love you for you and if your family can’t see that maybe someday they will

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      • Mr._Dank

        467d

        @Ammenaras Thank you. I’m trying to do what I can. I’m hoping that they will realize what they’ve done to me, once they realize I’m actually gone.

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    • Haleigh3

      467d

      That sounds so horrible I'm straight female but if u ever need anyone to talk to I'm here

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      • Mr._Dank

        467d

        @Haleigh3 It is. I’m feeling very lost. Thank you, I appreciate you.

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☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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