Struggling with Anorexia: My Recent Experience

hey guys, i’m issuing a HUGE tw with this post for ed content, particularly surrounding anorexia. pls care for yourself and don’t read if you don’t feel like you’re in a strong place in your recovery. u r worthy <3 okay real post time: hi. i’ve been in recovery from my ed for exactly 3 years now and i’ve recently been struggling really really severely. things were already taking a turn for the worse and i was calorie counting again, over exercising, etc. but i wasn’t seeing any big change on the scale. then it felt like a switch flipped in my brain and i remembered exactly how i lost all my weight back in 2019. i go between it being a super active choice to restrict vs a habit, and right now it’s a habit. that is when it’s most dangerous for me, because i forget all about eating and the less i eat, the less i get hunger cues. it’s all been amplified by the fact i’m going through a breakup right now and i’ve barely been able to eat because of how sad i am. anyways, all this to say, i checked my weight today and apparently i’ve lost 20 pounds since my last doctors visit (august 2022). i don’t feel like i look any different except in my face, although i definitely recognize that i’m feeling worse. i’m still not technically “underweight” but it’s still scary to realize i’ve lost all this weight and half of it was without trying. it’s even scarier to know how excited i am about it. i did a happy dance when i saw the number. i know i don’t want to get as bad as i was but gosh i love that satisfied feeling. i don’t know what to do. it’s so out of control & i know i need to tell someone but i just can’t. it’s like, i want to be small but i don’t want to die, but ik i won’t stop unless someone makes me. i don’t want either of the options i have uggghhhh!!!! anyways that’s all thank u for reading darlings