Slater

144d

I feel horrible. I’ve been smoking weed on and off for around two years, my use has been consistent every day for months. My girlfriend (they/them) has very severe trauma related to drug abuse exposure throughout their entire childhood. Even weed still freaks them out a little, but they’re comfortable as long as I check in with them before I smoke (we live together). A couple months back, my gf found out that I’d been sneaking hits in the bathroom or after they fell asleep at night. I don’t know why I did it, I did for months and it wasn’t until I completely ran out that I confessed. My gf was a little disappointed but very understanding. I’m so lucky to have their support.
My girlfriend works while I’m unemployed at the moment and they have happily taken over most financial responsibilities for the time being. Which includes my weed, making me feel even more bad about everything because the more I smoke the more I drain their wallet. I started a T-break a couple days ago because I used up 3 carts in a week without telling my gf I was smoking so they strongly suggested a break. Which I agreed to because I want to make them happy, despite the fact that smoking helps me SO much with my mental health.

Basically, here’s my point to all this.
I feel like the worst human being for putting my girlfriend through this.
They don’t deserve to be with someone who can’t even go a day without sneaking “drugs”.
My girlfriend’s drug trauma is honestly the most upsetting backstory out of anyone I’ve met. And yet I’m too selfish to say “yknow what, I’ll quit and maybe it’ll make them happier” or even have basic self control for a few hours.
We’ve had lots of good, healthy conversations about it but I can tell that it affects them to some extent.
I’m terrified that they’ll leave me one day because of my dependency on weed. And I know it may sound small to a lot of people because let’s be real, it’s just weed. But it’s so much more than that to my girlfriend and I need to take care of them. What the hell do I even do at this point? I’ve been having cravings and minor withdrawals but the thought of never having weed again makes me panic. But the thought of losing the love of my life is so much worse.

Substance Use Disorder (SUD)

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  • krisken

    143d

    First and foremost, Marijuana is legal for the simple fact that it is a medical drug used to treat MANY and MULTIPLE health issues, including mental health as the most. I mean, even psychedelic mushrooms are becoming legal to help those who suffer from mental disorders. As a person who knows love, soul mates, and intimacy, I must say, if Marijuana helps you, they (your girlfriend) has got to understand the significance of the medication. From my point of view (based on your description) they need some medical help themselves. I truly understand that your lover taking a drug (and that I mean medically) can be overwhelming and may make them feel vulnerable, but again, we are speaking Marijuana... im obviously unaware of the abuse/past of their experience, but for your own health/sake, it sounds like Marijuana helps you tremendously. There is a point in a relationship where each induvidual needs to take into accountability of their own feelings/actions. I personally think your beloved needs to work on themselves/their issues with said drug. I THINK you are smoking so much because of the stress of hiding and not having true understanding. I wish you both the absolute best!

    • Slater

      143d

      thank you so much for the advice. The part about smoking so much from the stress of hiding makes SO much sense and i didn’t even realize that before. I see exactly your point with us both needing to find ways to help us mentally. This has just been the only persistent issue in our relationship and it hurts to know that something helpful for me is triggering for them. I think it’s hard for them to understand that it isn’t a “drug drug” because they worry about addiction or me wanting something stronger in the future because hard addiction runs in both our families.

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