esh

258d

Currently feeling hopeless for myself, my recovery, and my future. I fucking hate this disorder with every fiber of my being. It doesn’t matter how much you improve or how much progress you make. It doesn’t matter how much work you put in to battle your BPD. None of it fucking matters because once you have 1 slip up, no one cares anymore. For the last few months I have been living in a toxic household while also having to work with these people. Yeah I know, dumb move but also I got trapped into this situation and had no way out until our lease was up in a year and couldn’t bear to leave my job. While I have improved tremendously with my behavior, these people were a huge trigger for me. They stigmatized my BPD and treated me as an outcast. I did everything to make sure they liked me. Always. There were some small instances that I said something rude but I have ALWAYS owned up to my behavior and NEVER excused it. I completely snapped this week and I lost it on one of these people AT work. One slip up. One moment of complete loss of control. In this moment I had no control. I was in a state of extreme panic. Fight mode, defense mode, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I mean, I basically just had a mental break in the middle of my shift. After this, my roommates kicked me out, and I got fired. Mental illness like BPD are so misunderstood and it crushes me. To feel like no matter how successful I am in therapy and how long I’ve gone without having a full blown BPD episode, it doesn’t matter because one thing happens and everything I’ve worked for is gone. I will never excuse my behavior but I do wish that I could have received some level of compassion. These people always had it out for me simply because of my BPD and they treated me horribly and then act so fucking surprised when after months of holding it together, I break. And it plays right into their stigma. It makes them proud to say “see, you ARE toxic” like they even gave me a fucking chance to show them who I really am. Fuck dude. What the fuck is the point. People will never love me with this disorder. I will never be enough.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

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  • Boogerbb

    254d

    News flash- they are the toxic ones 100%. That doesn't excuse you, but we are ALL just trying our best. My roomates and I had huge issues in the beginning because it was my first time moving away from my family, my bpd super flared up and it was before I even got a diagnoses so I just thought I was toxic through and through. They supported me 100% through the process of getting my diagnoses and are way more patient with me. This is how people who deserve to be in your life should act. Unfortunately BPD is SO stigmatized and villainized. Even my (ex) therapist told me he didn't want to diagnose me because BPD had a lot of stigma, and therapists see that on the patient info and just kinda sigh and dread it. What kind of therapist says that?? My therapist now helped me get diagnosed and works with me and makes sure she doesn't trigger those feelings, through consistent appointments, and actively asking about everything and engaging me and saying she cares. My fiance says that my BPD is not who I am, and that he's ok being there for the low moments, because he's seen me during my highs. You will find people, I promise, you will find a job that doesn't constantly trigger you, I wish you so much luck

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