On and Off with My Ex for 2 Years: A Hopeless BPD's Story

Have an ex that I have been off and on with for over 2 years. He loves me but I get to be too much and he does things that hurt me as a response. I keep switching between being controlling (which makes him do things that hurt me seemingly out of spite). OR, I act super chill. When I’m super chill he at least is honest with me. But the truth hurts 😅 We aren’t “officially” together right now…but we see each other weekly. He tells me how much he loves me. How I’m his favorite person. We agreed to be sexually “monogamous”. Ect. I fall in the trap every time. Hating him. Pushing him away. Feeling better. Then inevitably having a moment of weakness. Falling back in love. Codependency. Getting hurt. Stopping life. He’s leaving for a month and when I was “chill” he pretty openly said he was gonna party and sleep around while he’s gone. He even asked advice on how to do it… It’s a situation that definitely keeps hurting me (to the point I can’t function in life at the end of each “cycle”) BUT, he’s the only person in my life who has seen my health issues, somewhat understands them, somewhat seemingly accepts them, and in general hasn’t left. -a currently hopeless bpd who wants a little love 💔