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a close friend of mine posited that i may be agoraphobic. i don’t usually suffer from anxiety unless it’s about things i can’t control. i can’t drive. i am terrified of driving and car wrecks — i have never been in a wreck before. my partner is an exceptional driver and so i feel safe in the car with them. when i ride with others, i’m typically worried and hyperaware. don’t even dare to text and drive around me, lol. i’m scared of getting shot at work. i’m scared of being shot at school. i’m scared of being attacked while just walking somewhere. i carry a weapon. i weave and walk fast in cities so that nobody can get close enough to attack me. i hate air travel. i’ve done it a lot but i’ve recently sworn off flying due to some anxiety i had over the summer. i was so fraught with worry over an upcoming trip i cried for weeks and considered canceling the trip, even though my friend had paid for everything. i worry that my friends and family are going to die, kill themselves, or something else. i hate being in places where i can’t freely leave or control my environments. i’ve had to stay with a lot of random friends/family between college & getting kicked out of dorms for winter/summer break. i’m a 5th year — every time breaks are approaching, my mental health tanks because i know i’ll be stuck at someone’s house, who has unpredictable behavior, and i won’t be able to leave at will. covid has also done a number on me. i’m more confident after having all my boosters, but i’m still afraid. every time i go out, i think: is this the time where i go out and get sick? and get my partner sick, my family sick? we’ll all be out of work, we could die, etc. i find threats everywhere, except at home. luckily (?) i can’t afford to be homebound, so i go out anyway, and i’m often so stressed (or high) that i have to forget. i haven’t really had a panic attack since youth, but those were in typical situation: concerts, at school, at big family gatherings. i should also note i have ocd, lol. but this constant fear really makes my life hell. maybe it’s just ocd paranoia?
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Agoraphobia
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