Sensitive topic- trigger warningHere’s my journal entry for today and thought what the heck, post it on here. There may be someone out there that can relate. I feel so insecure from my disorders, which makes me stand out as different to everyone I'm around. I cry easily, can't remember things, I babble a lot when talking with friends, family and coworkers because I can’t find the words to get my point across. I mess up on making appointments for patients at work, to forgetting to do something for a family member, friend, or doctor that’s asked of me or expected of me. I'm an emotional ticking time bomb. I'm so scared of rejection and can't help but put everyone's perceived acceptance of myself above everything to the point of, going from a good day, to something happening and I feel so overwhelmed that I am consumed with my feelings screaming at me that I cant go on with life much longer, if this version of me is the best it's going to get. I feel like I've lost hope in medicine, myself, my faith… the only thing that keeps me from cutting my life short is going to hell for taking my own life…. People say it's selfish for someone to take their own life. I understand that completely. But I also feel like it’s impossible to fully grasp or comprehend the depth of suffocating anguish and torment a person with mental disorders deals with everyday of their life, unless they’re going through it themselves.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Boy can I relate. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I don't want to it just happens. Like you I babble a lot because I can't get out what I want to say. I know what I want to say it just doesn't come out. I struggle with the thoughts of living like this but like you I don't want to go to hell. One thing that I use now is a text crisis line 741741. All you do is just text "home" to 741741 to get started. It has really helped me. The crisis workers there are really nice and are willing to listen. I found it online. I also try to journal, do crafts or my other hobbies. When I can't focus or can't concentrate I try to go to sleep. Of course there is always music, reading, and art therapy. I hope knowing that you not alone helps. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
your message is such a breath of fresh air. It gets pretty lonely being the only one going through this; and keeping it to yourself is exhausting because you don’t want to be labeled as that “crazy person.” Thank you so much for the reply. It really did help and give me some hope.
I can relate. I have had my bpd under control for awhile but I know that I still think of me as that person sometimes and wish I could escape my reality
what has helped you the most to keep yours under control?
I have spirts where my PBR is under controll and I think that "ok I got this , things are finally changing". Then boom right back to the worry and the suffocating feeling of anxiety because I keep screwing up all that I am supposed to be doing! I always worry what my actions or words will make people think about me.. which causes more anxiety and more screw ups and stupid crap coming outta my mouth! I have always wanted to "fit in" with others but people don't take the time to understand why I am weird and awkward! I have a hard time also relating to people because I don't understand their thought process and I honestly don't think people understand how I process things either! Hang in there .. there are people who understand! If you ever need to talk .. please send me a message! If I don't reply right way I will! Have a blessed day,
that’s pretty much exactly how I feel to. You have a blessed day a well 😊
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