Struggling with BPD: Seeking Advice

I’ve experience having a Fp since I was 6 years old, and had SEVER abandonment issues. I’d get into fights at the drop of a hat if my friend in elementary school said something like “go kick that person cause I don’t like them, I won’t be your friend anymore if you don’t” and I’d do it because I’d be horrified of them leaving me. I had no perception of self, I was also revolved around others and always in survival mode. I just felt deeply uncomfortable in my own body, my bpd came from chronic and repeated trauma growing up so I think that’s why I experienced it at such a early age most of the build up of symptoms that lead into a bpd diagnosis, it wasn’t really until 5th grade that the extreme and painful mood swings started and my days felt unpredictable. I got diagnosed when I was 17, after years of being told it was “Mdd with psychosis” or just me being a disruptive child because of my difficult home life. My mom also was not keen of getting me diagnosed until it was forced upon her because I was so unwell and continued getting worse, as bpd does when it’s untreated. Now, in my current therapy(I’ve been in trauma therapy since the age of 3), we do Emdr and Cbt techniques along with occasional Dbt and harm reduction but I had a specific Dbt therapist and Cbt therapist before, both who I couldn’t tolerate and gave up on that sort of treatment until recently where I’m willing to try again but I find them very frustrating when I feel it being forced upon me for some reason and would rather learn techniques on my own because I can be quite bad with treatment plans and not keeping up with them. Bpd has been a difficult thing for me to treat, I’ve only found my trauma therapist to be my life saver because I’ve just needed someone to listen and accept me rather than feel the need to fix absolutely everything I know I logically can’t

My experience beforehand was horrendous. Lashing out at everyone, s/h every day, su* attempts constantly… I was really a mess. After the dx, I started getting DBT and it worked after a while… I took a year of it, and it started clicking after about 6 months. It really does take a lot of work personally, and I would suggest using CBT along side or interpersonal therapy too. I’m 8 years post dx and I’m living the best life I have. I really do love life and I’m so grateful that I held on. I no longer use s/h and my last su* attempt was years ago. I also use the “pause” in my head a LOT which really helps. I find it very helpful to take time out and come back to a situation when I’m fed, slept, hydrated and have time to myself. I really hope you find the help you’re looking for! It’s wonderful on the other side, and it’s very possible to get here. Good luck ❤️