Struggling with BPD and the Need for Pain in Relationships

Is anyone with BPD attracted to being hurt? My boyfriend kind of cheated on me and I'm so hurt. Yesterday I was angry and wanted to go on a break but just hours later I was so suic*dal and I felt like I needed his embrace to be okay. He slept over and I felt so safe but today when I saw him I felt hurt again. I don't know if I want him yet I feel like I need him, like my heart is his and I would let him kill me before leaving him. I'm assuming this is because of my childhood history of parental emotional abuse. Aka mommy issues. But I'm just so confused. Is this a borderline thing? I'm recently diagnosed and all the articles I can find are about the problems people with BPD make for others instead of the pain we feel on the inside.