I feel torn up and twisted by fear and sadness. I think a lot of me has been reserving hope for future happiness for the idea of a more accurate diagnosis and better treatment. It’s not that something is outright wrong with that, I guess, so much as the fact that I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted by the physical fatigue, but I’m also tired of alternating between sadness over health things and deferring hope to the future. I wish I knew how to accept the reality of my body will continue to hurt more, even if I slow the process down, without that carrying a huge fear of living out the immediate and far future. Chronic pain, chronic illness and disability justice ideals and movements are intensely important to me so I feel ashamed to even have those thoughts. I want so badly to be able to live in contentment and periodic happiness, but I don’t know how to get past all of this.