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Lunarr

594d

CW// mild discussion of self harm and death Did anyone else think they didn't have depression because they didn't fit the "image"?? In 7th grade, I went through a pretty big bout of depression. I was so numb that I was dissociating and on ocassion non verbal. A low level sadness followed me around that whole year and I cried at night sometimes. But! I had convinced myself it wasn't depression based soley on the fact that I didn't want to hurt myself. All my depressed friends had scars from cutting and I just??? Never felt the desire to do that, so I thought that clearly, then, I wasn't depressed. Looking back on it now, at age 20, I can see that I was in fact suffering from depression and at the time had chalked it up to, idk,, hormones? I think my younger self was so caught up in the sad girl tumblr aesthetic of the mid 2010s that she didn't realize depression wasn't soley focused on self harm and wanting to die. I never wanted to die, just hide away and stop having to perform existance for a while. That didn't mean I wasn't still experiening depression, it's different for everyone. Anyways, I had thought that that was my only depressive episode (aside from whatever the f used to happen before my period started pre birth control pills, I used to get depressive dissociation suuuper bad for a few days,, I blame it on menstral magnification) but lately I'm thinking I might have underlying depression that only comes in small bouts every few years. Once again, my view of the illness is changing. Anyone have a similar experience??

Top reply
    • tatertot731

      586d

      i think similarly for myself. when in 9th grade i was in a very bad spot and no one believed me if i told them anything because i was ‘high functioning’ depressed. i know i was depressed but since i wasn’t the stereotypical person, i have always felt invalidated by that and others

    • tatertot731

      586d

      i think similarly for myself. when in 9th grade i was in a very bad spot and no one believed me if i told them anything because i was ‘high functioning’ depressed. i know i was depressed but since i wasn’t the stereotypical person, i have always felt invalidated by that and others

    • Shandel

      592d

      I was the same way. I didn’t think I was depressed & nobody else thought I was either just because I never thought of cutting myself or any type of suicidal thoughts. My depression is shown through lack of energy, lack of interest in pretty much anything, sleeping all of the time & just holding up in my room & not talk or associate with anyone. I highly suggest to look into therapy & seeing a psychiatrist & just be open & honest.

      • Lunarr

        592d

        @Shandel I have some of those symptoms, too! It comes in bouts which is why I suspect I never took it too seriously. Recently I've come to realize it might be affecting me more than I thought. I used to have a therapist in high school but I go to college out of state and licensing laws mean I couldn't see her anymore even over telehealth. I haven't had the time or energy to find a new one but I think it might help. My school offers Teladoc starting this year which I might use. Thanks for sharing, hope you're doing well!

        • Shandel

          587d

          @Lunarr definitely try to find a therapist. Someone told me about: Thriveworks or BetterHelp. You can search & find a therapist that fits your needs & connects well with you

    • mashed_potato

      592d

      Back when I was in middle and high-school I was in a pretty negative state of mind, but I never brought it up because "its all in my head" (I know realize that's how depression works 😅) reading back my old notes I realized that I was depressed back then. I went to a small school so self harm was noticed. One of my close friends had extremely bad self harm marks and my friends would always talk about people they thought were self harming but wasn't obvious. Before this time I was scared of blood and pain.. but everything got progressivly worse and I ended up self harming but was terrified if anyone ever saw it, I would wear clothing that covered it, in gym I would wear big ass bandaids, and after my leg scars were semi healed I would put makup over then if I had to wear shorts around people. I thought I wasn't depressed because I was just "overthinking" or because "I didn't want to shoot myself in the head then it probably wasn't that bad". There was so much negative stigma around mental health that I was scared to reach out or even think I was messed up. I'm glad it has improved but I still have those fears to this day. Side note: Not self harming doesn't mean you're not experiencing depression, people cope in different ways, some don't have any copping at all, everyone is different and depression shows itself in many different ways. After all it is caused by many different things, it is unique to everyone, and how people react is different as well.

      • Lunarr

        592d

        @mashed_potato Sorry to hear your younger years were so rough! I'm glad you're doing better now. The stigma really didn't help any of us figure stuff out, huh? 😅

    • Finnaissance

      593d

      Cw: self-harm mention I had the opposite experience, oddly enough. I was shamed by a friend for “making mentally ill people look bad.” It was on anon (the post was shared with my FB friends only) so I wasn't able to ever get a follow-up out of them. I have no clue where it came from or the exact issue they were getting at but I assumed it was because I didn't look or act “depressed enough” to be taken seriously as some who had clinical depression. I guess I came off too optimistic on Facebook. Who knows? 🤷 You're right, depression doesn't always have a look or tell, and you're valid in your experiences however they present. Years back I felt like I wasn't valid in my struggles with self-harm because my method was never cutting, it was hitting, slapping, punching, biting, and the like. But that's the thing! I was still harming myself! Skipping meals, refusing help, avoiding things that make you happy... These are all things that can manifest as self-harm. It is harming the self in some way. You are valid, and I'm sorry you've struggled with this. I can imagine how difficult that was for you. And it's also common (and completely fine) for your view of depression to shift and change as you yourself change and grow! I understand myself much more thoroughly now than I did eleven years ago when I was first diagnosed, and I'm still learning the ins and outs of my mental (and physical) issues. We, as humans, are meant to change and grow, so the evolution of our aspects and knowledge is completely normal. Keep being curious. 🤍

      • Lunarr

        593d

        @Finnaissance Social media combined with the public's poor perception of mental illness really did some damage to all of us, huh?? Sorry you went through that, I think when people don't understand something they tend to get aggressive (being happy on occasion despite having depression, not self harming in the typically seen way, etc) Thank you for the kind and supportive words, I appreciate it 💕

    • Vyowleta

      593d

      Honestly, yeah. I’ve been in a similar experience around middle school too. I tried talking to my Mom about my depression, but she said it was an “illusion.” That’s kind of where my denial toward my own depression began. Like I knew there was something wrong with me, but I ended up having a hard time pinpointing it. Every time I’d come back from school, I’d indulge more in social media and find myself crying in my sleep. It took me a while to realize I certainly depression after those issues worsened over the years. But yeah with my experience in depression, I never had thoughts of dying or hurting myself. I’d just simply run away from my problems. I also used to think that depression also meant being suicidal, so that was another reason why I tried to convince myself otherwise that I wasn’t depressed. So I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Hope you’re doing well though. Take care ❤️

      • Lunarr

        593d

        @Vyowleta Nice to meet a kindered soul! Sorry your mom was so dismissive, glad to see you eventually figured things out despite obstacles. I hope you're doing well, too!

    • katc

      594d

      I spent sixteen years before I admitted I had depression and that it started out as PPD after I had my daughter. I thought it couldn't be PPD because I didn't want to harm myself or my kids.

      • Lunarr

        593d

        @katc Thank you for sharing and I hope you got the help you deserve!

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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