Regretful Sexual Experience and Emotional Baggage

just venting read and respond if you want i never wanted to lose my virginity to someone i care about because i feared they would hurt me and i wouldn’t be able to let go mentally from them. so i lost it to someone i wasn’t attracted in any form … i told him i never wanted something serious just sex .. we have sex once and it was TERRIBLE.. my plan was to check off everything off my bucket list before i planned on checking out and i was almost done so i told myself no harm could be done from doing this sexual experience w/ him. he ghosted me after 3 days … i’m not mad i’m just lost on what df just happened and why didn’t he just communicate that he no longer wanted to mess with me. i ended up not checking out … so now i’m here living with my semi-regrets i meet my current boyfriend and i’m scared for him to touch me sexually because it’s going to remind me of him. my boyfriend is really understanding and i love him for that but i feel like eventually i will be come more and more emotionally not available i haven’t seen the boy who took my virginity… until today working at a fast food restaurant and i pretended as if i didn’t even know him … and said thank you when he handed me my food … i wanted to disappear when i seen him whispering and talking about me to his other workers … i don’t know how to feel .. i’m trying to keep my head up and not be bothered because i don’t want to ruin the good mood that i’ve been for the longest time … life …sucks