Living with Emetophobia and Gastritis: My Struggle

Hello! My name is Syd and for a very very long time I’ve suffered from emetophobia (fear of vomiting) since I was 7-8 years old and because of that I’ve gained so many compulsive behaviors like repeating phrases, not wearing certain clothing, not taking medication, not sitting at certain spots and I haven’t even noticed after years of how much I’ve been doing it and how I do it everyday. Although it didn’t start to ruin my life until August of this year, ever since May of 2022 I’ve been having super painful abdominal pain and nausea in the past few months and all my doctors say is that it is constipation. I used to get constipated for a week then felt better for another week and it repeats like a cycle. But now those weeks that I feel better start lasting less than a week and I get constipated for more than a week. I went to the ER for this one time because the pain was really bad and they diagnosed me with Gastritis. I get really bloated/have a lot of gas sometimes and it can be very painful. And since I have emetophobia I’ve been trying everything to not feel sick but no matter what I do or what I try it never helps. I get scared a lot about eating or doing psychical activities because i’m afraid I will get sick. Like how I mentioned earlier, my compulsive behaviors didn’t start getting really bad until August of this year. I can’t stop repeating these phrases and that makes me think about throwing up non stop. Sometimes I could be super hungry and when I have food right in front of me I start feeling sick and nauseous because I’m terrified of what will happen and so I just don’t eat at all and because of this I have lost a lot of weight and I have 1-3 panic attacks daily. Or most of the time anything I eat makes me sick and now I don’t know what foods to avoid or what foods to eat because my doctors say one thing is bad/good for me and my parents say the exact opposite and now I’m just so confused. This stresses me out so much and it worsens how I’m already feeling from my gut. Sometimes I’m too afraid to go home because I feel like if I go home I’m going to start feeling nauseous and I don’t know who to talk to or what to do because my parents don’t speak much English and they try their best to understand me but sometimes I can’t explain to them how I’m feeling because I don’t speak much Spanish. I know they try their best to make me feel better but it never helps and I feel so horrible about myself because of it. School hasn’t really been a problem until this week, I usually feel better at school because it’s a huge distraction but now nothing has been helping besides going to hospitals. I really hope you can understand how I am feeling and if you can share something’s about yourself as well!!