Feeling Lost and Overwhelmed in Life

I'm 19 and I find no enjoyment in anything life has to offer anymore, I barely leave my room not because I don't want to but because I don't have the energy to. I'm always tired and feel overwhelmed constantly, I have lost the ability to socialise with people I feel lost and as though I don't belong here. I've tried to end my life 4 times within the last year but to no avail and the only reason I have kept fighting and trying is because one of my parents view su*c*de as selfish and I have too much empathy for my friends and family and I wouldn't want to be the source of a lifetime of trauma. I hate being like this, I wish I could end things and be at peace. I feel out of place and as though the ppl around me would be better off without me I'm nothing special I'm a failure, I'm a loser, I feel as though I deserve every awful thing that I've ever been through in my life. The only things that makes me feel any real temporary relief are dr*gs and sh. I hate my life so much but no matter how hard I try to make it better life just throws more hurdles at me, I can't do this anymore.