Struggling with Intrusive Thoughts and Emptiness

People have asked me if I don't have severe intrusive thoughts or "cravings/desires" of hurting myself/others anymore, and at first I thought that yeah I didn't anymore and I'm in a way taking "control". However, the more I look into it, I realize after so much spent up anger, frustration, anxiety, attempts, etc. all within a span of 3-4 years, just barely being diagnosed with not so great mental health, I just literally have no energy to try to even think if wanting to act upon the thoughts. It's so draining, I think that's why I stop talking too at times, to stop myself from saying anything that might make me want to do something dangerous or violent because I literally have no energy. I think I'm just in like a "i give up on life, im trying to let it just take me wherever, I'm too tired to commit 'scuba dive' or hurt someone" . But then also I still get panic attacks, maybe not as frequent but it's like a volcano erupting every 2-3 weeks, I hide all my emotions and thoughts and it just builds until I can't calm down and I'm on the brink of fainting. My body itself has no strength to fully calm down as much as it used to when I was younger. I'm just so drained and tired that I don't even know what's up anymore, I can't even remember what I'm doing, how I got to where I am, I have a different memory of how I look like (body wise and how I look to others personality wise ) every single time, time itself...it goes by so fast. I have to look up playlists that make me feel like im in some sort of edit/aesthetic world just to feel something most of the time. Yes I love my hobbies, my partner, my family, my gerbil, but i dont fully feel like I'm motivated about life (even if I know I'm still too young) I feel so empty...