From Coping to Punishment: My Self-Harm Journey

that's understandable and I know what you mean but self harm is bad. I do it too and I know it's hard but it's not impossible to try and manage to where you don't do it as much if you do. Maybe one day we can all stop and find like pain that won't need to leave marks? Like a rubber band or make not permanent ones or get tattoos and piercings.

It's usually both for me, probably. When drinking was how I did it, I needed something disgusting and painful sometimes. Occasionally I harm to reset my brain, like there's an immense pressure inside that I can only relieve through external pain, and something will click me over from this vulnerable self in crisis to one that can cope. I think a lot of times I just want some external evidence of what I feel, like I will always cover it up in front of people who can't understand it, so I need some marks that can't be hidden. Sometimes it's about an intrusive image and thought playing in my head over and over until I do it. It caused me to make a line down my arm once, that is still a little visible a year later.

I think it's always both from my experience. When punishing myself there's still a part of my that wanted to hurt enough physically to not hurt mentally. Even if I felt guilty along with the pain like I deserved it, the physicality would overwhelm the mental focus or satiate it. Might I offer, someone told me once that these things are almost like communication, when things are too heavy and we can't process it into what we need, we manifest that feeling in choosing to intentionally harm ourselves. If your tears in that moment had a voice, what would they say? It caused me pause, and I hope it brings a little calm in your moments of chaos.

I’ve done it for both. Usually I was hurt so bad I wanted relief, but sometimes it’s like I desperately wanted to punish myself before anyone else could. It felt extremely similar to addiction.

Yep and sometimes I just like the look of my blood when in psychotic episodes and sometimes even afterwards. It's very shameful.

Yep, back and forth. Seems to serve many purposes now that it's been part of my life (on and off) for years.