Eliminating Emotions: My Experience with Emotional Trauma

While experiencing my trauma i learned to shut down the outward expression of any emotion that brought a negative response from my abuser. Somehow expression is inextricably tied to the experience of emotion, and given enough practice, i was able to completely eliminate them from my daily life. Not just eliminate my expression of emotion, but also the experience of emotion as well. the best way I can describe what i did to eliminate the expression of emotion was a corrupted version of CBT, find stimulus - identify emotion - identify emotional output - kill emotional output. what i ended up with was a nearly complete disconnect between step one and step two. no stimulus was strong enough to bring anything more than a fleeting flash of emotion. I'm now 5 years into therapies and medications and doctors and I feel I've made little progress overall. there isn't really a question here, just sharing my story in a somewhat concise way. maybe someone else can identify similarities and gain insight.