Struggling with Insomnia and Anxiety

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I'm 45 and I'm still struggling with many of the very things you mentioned, the defeated, destroyed and alone especially. I definitely agree that it sucks that loving someone 'straight forward plain and simple' has gotten to be so hard. I mean, just about everyone I know of wants to be loved by someone else, in some way shape or form, but instead of just loving each other as we all deserve as human beings, we seem to spend so much time and effort being just the opposite to whomever we happen to come across. I hope you can find some peace and encouragement, whether through this app, or whatever other places you may be going to for support

I feel you! When I was 26, I felt the same way and even ten years and a marriage later, I can still feel that way. I think social media has made a lot of people feel less responsibility in relationships - when you can simply swipe to the next profile or click "block," you don't have to deal with the sticky emotionality of either digging in and forging a real relationship or properly disengaging. I learned to find a lot of solace in "Hanlon's razor," which goes "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" - or laziness, or lack of etiquette, or lack of depth. I tend to be the kind of person who opens up fairly quickly too - and, yes, that can tend to run some people off. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or with opening up - it just means that wasn't the person for you (either in terms of friendship or something more romantic leaning). You speak so vulnerably about seeing the flaws in yourself and fearing they saw them too and ran away because of them but, please, don't forget, no one judges us as harshly as we do ourselves. I used to be terrified of anyone seeing me without makeup on - I've worn it since I was 11 and have always classed myself without it as plain at best and ugly if I'm being honest - I wouldn't so much as answer the door without it - my face was my darkest secret. When I was 21, I eloped to the other side of the country with the love of my life - we spent a week together...it was supposed to be the first week of the rest of our lives. Then, on our last morning together, water splashed in my face in the shower and he saw me without my makeup. My flight home was that afternoon - he had to stay there for another month for training but the plan was he would come and get me when it was finished. He never came. My heart was broken to bits - I cried for months. For ten years, my heart told me that it was because he had "seen" me...the real me...my real face...my ugly secret and that's why he left me. One day we ran into each other - we wound up talking and eventually a friendship grew and I finally worked up the courage to ask him what really happened...if he had gone because of me. I had been wrong - he ghosted because of his own anxieties - his reasons had nothing to do with what I'd beaten myself up about for a decade! I think some of those things we see in ourselves as "flaws" are just "differences" from other people - doesn't mean there's anything wrong, though. Look at the Japanese concept of "wabi sabi" that embraces imperfection and celebrates the beauty of it. Or "kintsugi" the practice of repairing broken pottery with gold - our nicks and dings are evidence of the paths we have walked and the places we have come from.

I relate to you so much on this!!! It’s really difficult for me to perceive whether I’m overthinking myself or if I’m actually the reason people leave me. Much harder to tell in today’s times since it’s so much more common for people to ghost without explanation or any respect to others in general. All I can recommend is to do some self reflection on what you know about your behavior towards others, like are you clingy etc. Doing that helped me compare whether it was “normal” for me to act the way I did/do to others and determine if it was “too much” for most people.