Struggling with Avoidant Personality Disorder

dang i wish there was more people under this topic! anyway, i’ve suffered avpd for basically my whole life. i’ve always thought that i just had social anxiety, but it’s way more than that. i cannot get close to ANYONE as i fear ridicule and fear that vulnerability would make people hate me. for that, i’m closed off and don’t have any authentic close relationships. from the outside i may appear the opposite, as i am surrounded by some friends and my social anxiety has become a little more manageable within the last couple years/ as i’ve gotten older. however, my inability to be authentic with people has never left. i may have some friends, but everything is surface level. inside i am so self conscious & believe everyone is better than me. the only relationship i’ve ever been in, which i ended yesterday, was miserable as i physically could not open up and be vulnerable resulting in my partner literally never knowing who the real me was. i think the biggest issue i endure with this condition is just my incapability to exceed surface level interaction and actually becoming vulnerable with another person. i’ve never experienced that, besides the times i’ve smoked 🍃 and drank. my self image and self esteem are so low and in social situations i still often feel so inept and out of place. i wish so badly to be able to easily make connections with people and not constantly be in fear im doing something wrong. i hope more people come along & talk about their experiences here so we can all help each other out <3