Am I crazy for not feeling anything for people I've cared about for a long time? I feel repulsed by my SO, I'm irritated with everyone, some days I wish someone would just torture me so I could feel something other than this disdain in my mind and heart. I'm pretending to be happy so much worse than usual. I'm so sick of this. Other days I want to die. Medications have done nothing and I feel like not scheduling with my doctors is just me putting off the inevitable. But it's hard to see doctors when you've seen so many and they do nothing for you. I'm considering TMS treatment because I'm just at my breaking point. But the hardest part is how many treatments it takes. It's daily, I can't physically do that unless I spend the weeks in the hospital. I can't AFFORD that. What other options do I have, really? It's destroying my life. I've struggled for so long and I was fully diagnosed 2 years ago. Nothing has gotten better. It's going to be so awful when he asks me to marry him and I can't say yes because I'm not able to lie and say I'm fine and ready. It's bot him or our relationship, it's the depression. I'll never be ready to say yes if I can't even get some kind of control of my own life. I can't wear a mask like this anymore. I just want to stop suffering.
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