I'm so confused and I don't have anyone in my life who understands or anyone I can relate to. I've tried finding people online to relate to but I just can't. I'm 23, bisexual and afab. I use they/them pronouns and I've always identified as genderfluid since I learned about it in high-school since for a long time I used to go back and forth on whether I was trans or not. Once I learned what genderfluid was, I decided that's what I am and have been confident in that for many years. However the past 2 years I have been truly struggling, having never met another genderfluid person ever, not even online and not being able to relate to trans people I'm not sure of anything anymore and it hurts.

I love girly things. Shoes, purses, my favorite color is pink I love stuffed animals and my dream is to be an artist. My favorite holiday is valentines day and I love to wear dresses and skirts. However. Liking the things I do, is a double edged sword, I wish from the bottom of my heart I was born as a man so I could love and like everything I do without being seen as a girly girl. I want to just be me. But it hurts when I do so because the way people perceive me isn't me. I am so used to fitting the male gaze and having my only value being a hot girl that now when I stray away from dressing girly I feel so incredibly ugly. When I'm not what the world wants me to be I'm hideous and ugly and unlovable.I both love and hate my boobs. I feel as if I'm not attractive without them. And then if I use a binder or wear a packer I feel ashamed, or depressed like what's the point? No one finds me attractive or valuable anymore. I removed the only value as a person I have. Being a girl. I've been treated like an object my entire life it's made my gender views on myself so messed up. I feel as if I was born a man I wouldn't feel this way. I could just be happy. But I don't want to be a man. I wish gender didn't exist. I wish I was a Ken doll with no sex organs, I just want to be me without being gendered. I don't think transitioning into a man would help me at all or being transmasc would help me because I just don't want to be that way, I love all my girly cute stuff so so much. I just don't want to be a sex symbol. I wonder if this is what it means to be genderfluid because sometimes when I'm girly and men are attracted to me I feel so good. And when I dress more masculine and girls are attracted to me I feel amazing as well I feel confident and good. But then for most of the time I'd prefer to just be nothing? I wish I could just exist as a person. Please if anyone here could help point me in some point of direction. I've tried finding genderfluid help discords or resources or anything and I can't find anyone I relate to or anyone who can help me. I don't understand myself. Am I trans? Am I genderfluid like I always felt most comfortable as? Am I nonbinary? (Nonbinary doesn't feel right either though) I know titles aren't everything but I just, I don't know what to do, I don't know where to get help. I don't have anyone I can talk to about any of this.

Please if anyone can offer me anything at all I'd appreciate it. I can't take it. I just wish I could have a guide or somewhere to look where I can find my way or get the resources I need to feel okay with myself. I know the only one who can figure me out is me but I don't even know where to look or what ideas to try out. Is there anyone out there who feels similarly? Is there anyone who I could talk to about these issues with? Maybe I just need a friend or someone to guide me or anything I don't know I'm so lost and confused and it hurts so much.

I'm sorry if this post as typos or isn't formatted very nicely I'm posting this as a desperate call for help. I'll accept any advice or kind words, am I just a closeted trans person? Is this really what being genderfluid is like and there's so little of us that I can't find anyone or is there something I don't know about?

Chronic Irritability and Anger

Gender Dysphoria

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  • Xann


    Hello!! I just wanted to say how much I related to your experience. I’m 27 and also afab genderfluid and I’ve felt a lot of what you’ve described here at different points in time. It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve started finding some masc looks I personally feel more comfortable in and exploring and it’s definitely a sensitive process to get comfortable expressing myself. I think it’s really hard not to doubt your identity while being genderfluid because personally as my experience has changed in different days Ive started to doubt how I felt at different times in the past. I’m working on acknowledging my feelings and doing what makes me feel comfortable and happy without worrying if that might look different tomorrow or the next day. I’m 100% here if you need someone to talk to!

  • fidelis


    Hey. It's gonna be ok. Something that's important to understand, and that it took me a while to get, is that transition is not and never has been a fully binary experience, at least for most people. It's more of an open-world, 'sandbox' build your own gender kind of thing, or at least that's the way I've found that has helped me conceptualize it. I don't use the label genderfluid myself, so I'm sorry i can't be of more help there, but I don't identify as a binary trans man either. If pushed, the labels I choose are transmasc non-binary, androgynous, non-binary, afab but not a woman, etc. I've chosen to take t and get top and I'm perceived as a guy now moving through the world, however, I dress as femme or masc day to day as I feel is right at any given moment and it works for me. Were I to give you any advice, it'd be a few things- try your best to stay away from terminally online trans infighting in spaces where its like truscum vs tucute, or people calling one another "fake trans" or afabs and amabs fighting about who has it worst, that's just going to give you brainworms. Try to find a support group meet-up for trans ppl near you, go to one online if you need to, but meet and make other trans friends. Having other people who could relate to me that I could see in person was very important and helpful to me, especially early in transition. I think it's not so much a matter of if you're trans or how trans you are as much as "do I want changes to happen to my body? Do I want others to call me by a different name/pronouns? Do I like my body and the way I'm perceived currently? Are there things I want to change, whether it's how I dress up to and including hormones/surgery/etc.?" But the important thing is, no one but you can decide what's right for you. It's ok to be confused and unsure. Therapy can help, friends can help, meditation can help, screaming and making art can help. Find your coping mechanisms and use them. Your transition is yours and your experience is yours. Your feelings are important and true. Go with what feels right. Don't be afraid to take your time or change your mind; you're the only one who knows best what will make you happy 💖

  • darkstarrynight


    Hey I'm not genderfluid, but I'm bigender and genderqueer. I understand some of what you are going through, so I'm here if you wanna talk.

  • Ren.exe


    Hi! I also really relate to your experience. I identify as trans nonbinary genderfluid as I found the first two identities first and that's what felt good to me. I started unraveling the need to feel like a valued and pretty woman before realizing I was trans and dont have as much difficulty with it as it sounds like you are but I do in some ways. I feel like I can't wear loose shirts and loose pants because then none of my body is "visible", even if that's what's making me more comfortable I feel ugly. I made a diy at home packer once and it felt so euphoric and I have never even gotten the courage to put one on or buy one since because I also felt ashamed and embarrassed and like a fraud. Some days I love my boobs and a lot of days I hate how big they are and just wish they were like... Secret tiddies. Thats the phrase and concept that feels most affirming to me. I fluctuate between nonbinary genders but I do feel very fem a lot of the times but a lot of the time I feel fem and masc and other times I feel nothing... Like I wish gender wasn't clockable and wasn't a thing. I'm also bi and use they/them pronouns and love Valentine's Day. I don't love wearing dresses and skirts anymore because Girl is what I see and what others see but I do wish I could be trans masc sometimes and be on T just so that I could wear skirts and dresses and not be seen as Girl but at the same time that makes me worry because I 100% never want to be seen as Man and I don't always want to dress with skirts and dresses. I love light pink and light purple and light blue things. I love cute and "girly" things and anything that looks like it came out of a children's book. I've joked with people before that I want my gender to be Cute or Adorable (but like still in an adult way). But I also don't always feel like that, but that's what I feel like most of the time. I just also especially really couldn't tolerate being seen as Man. I don't know of resources as I've been really struggling with this too. My boyfriend has been really helpful as he's been in his transitioning journey a lot longer but he didn't question whether he wanted to go on T or not as much as I have and has been on it for about ten years. So he's helpful in the sense he can listen and validate me but not as helpful in the sense that he doesn't understand being genderfluid. And I haven't really met anyone I could speak with about being genderfluid either. I'd be happy to talk with you! (I'm 26 btw) feel free to message me.

  • EatenByWormy


    “Trans” doesn’t mean anything more specific than “identifying outside of what you were assigned at birth,” and “nonbinary” doesn’t mean anything more specific than “identifying outside of the binary genders (male/female etc.).”

    • EatenByWormy


      Be patient with yourself. It’s a journey with no roadmap and it may take you places you never expected, but there’s no hurry.

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