Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts and Keeping it to Myself

tw// suicidal thoughts ive been having suicidal thoughts on and off since i was 12 and a lot of other scary crap that goes on inside my head that ive never told anyone about. ive talked about my thoughts like in general, enough to be diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety, but ive never been able to bring myself to actually tell anyone about a lot of my other worse thoughts. even with my therapists i consistently lie about almost everything and i refuse to let them know when somethings actually bothering me. i dont know whats wrong with me, like if its just my pride or what but ive pretty much had to deal with everything alone. a lot of the time i refuse to even admit that i have depression when people try to talk to me about it and i remain adamant that im perfectly fine. i dont know whats wrong with me or why i cant open up to anyone but its really frustrating. i dont think this is normal but does anyone else experience this or know what to do about it.