Coping with past experiences as an autistic teen

I’m not 100% diagnosed but I have had it speculated to be something I have for about two years now (I’m almost 18) my last therapist I had worked with and raised neurodiverget patients and she is the one who listened to me and helped me get to the conclusion that I’m probably more than likely autistic or at least neurodivergent. I can’t get a full “real” diagnosis since it’s not something I or my family can afford not to mention how hard it is to find a adult and afab (assigned female at birth) assessment. I was given a lot of diagnosis that can fall under or probably are just my autistic traits tbh. I was severely bullied and alienated in school even by teachers. I didn’t know why and I didn’t always realize I was being bullied at first. I was a good quite kid who tried to be nice. I think looking back before I left public school at 16, I was bullied because I was different than the other kids and they knew but I didn’t yet. It’s a little comforting knowing that I was bullied because people can just be mean and that I wasn’t just a bad person who deserved it. I did mention leaving public school. At the time I had a 504 with some accommodations for social and general anxiety but my therapist encouraged me to get an iep for my accommodations to be more enforced so teachers would actually listen to them (I’d get in trouble because some teachers ignored my 504). It was denied and at that rate I was missing so much school from going to the mental hospital for help that I just chose to leave. My public school gpa was 1.7 and since leaving I’m sitting at 3.8 I do wish I was diagnosed sooner so I got the help I needed when I was in public school and so that I wouldn’t have so much school based trauma. But I got the last two years of high school to help myself and leave a toxic environment. I’m hoping to get into phycology to help future kids and teens like me, no one deserves to feel like a monster when in reality they need a good friend and some help.

I’m not diagnosed, but I’ve been learning about autism a lot and I think it’s possible I am autistic. I don’t cry a lot, but I remember getting really really close when I was talking to an allistic friend. I had been watching videos talking about social situations from the autistic perspective and I was struggling to understand the allistic. I was asking the allistic (they/them) what everyone else does if it’s not creating endless rules/flowcharts that has to be tweaked and rememorised for each person’s behavior then crossed analyzed with their past experiences influencing their specific outlook. They were like I um… just look at the person, know how they feel, and react. I was so confused. What do you mean? That makes no sense. I can guess using loads of context clues and have okay answers when I don’t know people, but it’s almost an adrenaline rush of “wonder if I just got that completely wrong”. They just stared at me and said “bestie I don’t have to guess. Well almost never.” And it clicked “oh I’m bad at this bc it isn’t this hard for everyone else.” …yeah I haven’t really dealt with it, just wanted to share that you’re not alone.