Struggling with Anxiety and Insecurities

Well the first issue is that your boyfriend really shouldn't be making you feel like that. Everyone needs some alone time to relax and unwind, even if they can relax with another person there it's still different and most people still need both. Remind yourself nothing about you taking a moment to relax and collect yourself alone is a bad thing even if someone else needs you, you can't be helpful to your loved ones if you don't take care of yourself and burn out. Therapy would definitely be a good start but your boyfriend sounds like he would benefit from some form of couples therapy to help him understand and adjust to both of you needing to put in effort into caring for yourself and that for a healthy relationship to work you need at least some space and boundaries. Self deprecating himself and hurting himself is clearly a sign of an underlying issue, and you are likely not at all qualified to be the main person helping him with it. When I was younger I was pretty much the "therapist" of my friend group but it made it so I couldn't take care of myself and I was never at any point qualified to actually be the only one to help these people in a real way, even if I helped and made a great difference for a short period of time and kept them alive, and im glad for that, it took self help and in some cases professional help to actually make a permanent change and genuinely help them so they weren'tin so much turmoil all the time. And sadly some of them refused to help themselves or find a professional to help them and our relationship fell apart because I physically and emotionally could not handle helping them any longer, and it definitely did make me feel like i was a worse person because I was not only struggling with my other social interactions but I felt like I was letting them down and hurting them more. It sucked and the only thing that made it better was adhering to boundaries for all of us, including making sure I didn't rely too heavily on my friends in that way either and have other support systems so the emotional labor is evenly distributed, including making sure i get enough alone time that it doesn't hurt the relationship. I hope you can find a balance that makes everything functional and comfortable for you

Also I relate to the feeling like your insecurities are a main part of your personality trait. I went on vacation with my boyfriend's family recently and they knew I had some issues with severe anxiety but they got to personally see that I have several bad panic attacks a day and now I feel like that's all the see from me is a fragile person that can't do anything without panicking. I think it's important to remember that it's just our mind trying to get the best of us and most of the time what we notice is the worst part of ourselves while most people probably don't even notice it and if they do, they have themselves to worry about and could care less about us

As someone with self harm thoughts, my worst thought is that my boyfriend will think my self harming is related to him in anyway. You didn't specifically say that he was threatening self harm if you weren't there for him but even as a self harmer I always thought that mindset was super toxic and unhealthy for everyone involved. The only thing I could suggest is that both of you start seeing a therapist if you aren't already because it is a very common thought to have but you shouldn't put his mental health all under you especially when you have your own issues

Hey I can sort of relate; I have a friend really struggling with addiction right now and it’s made my anxiety so bad because I just don’t know what to do. Ultimately through talking with my therapist I realized that there isn’t much I can do but be there. You aren’t responsible for him and his actions, so you still need to take care of YOU. You can be a priority and not feel guilty or bad about that! I would suggest a therapist to help work through these thoughts with; I have a lot of anxiety spirals where I can’t stop the flooding “what if” thoughts and it really helps to have someone to work through that with to change that thought process! ❤️