clumsysprout

110d

I yearn for the day my mother realizes the person she is with isn’t a good person. She met him around 2014 and our lives have been changed for the worse. He was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally - i was admitted into the hospital in 2019 because i couldn’t take it anymore and tried to take my own life. even then , when i am suffering in a mental hospital she still defended him during the family meeting we had - which was supervised by a cps worker because of what i told certain nurses. I was there for about 2 weeks before being cleared and they said they would have a worker stop by the week i came home - they did and instead of listening to my side of the story first , they asked him what happened and he said “i’ve never put my hands on her” i wanted to scream . the one chance i had of possibly getting real help believed my abuser and that was the end of it. around before covid i told my mother i was staying at my grandmas and not coming back until she kicked him out. it took her 6 fucking months to make that decision - and she always had the audacity to say “i put you first” you never defended me , you let him do whatever he wanted and are STILL with him , she kicked him out a little after Christmas and after that instead of us spending time together and trying to form a healthy daughter and mother relationship she was never home and always visiting at his place and spending time with HIS kids not her own. At the moment while i’m typing this she’s been home exactly 2 nights this past week - i just wish i had the comfort of a mother figure , but she’s not mentally stable or emotionally available for that. i wanna feel bad because she is being abused too - but at the same time she’s too far gone in think - she has very low self esteem and can’t seem to realize she doesn’t deserve to be treated like garbage.. I just want my mom that’s all i want , i want the comfort and safety of being able to tell her anything i’m going through , i want to sit down and eat dinner together , i want to have shopping days together and not have a care in the world .. i don’t feel held by her , i don’t feel anything other than an inconvenience to her

Depression

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