Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts and Family Issues

debating whether i should go back to the hospital or not. i dont want to go thru the hospital a second time and relive that but im still so suicidal i hate the intrusive thoughts i hate that i made myself do something i didnt want to do. i hate that i dont have any friends i hate that i let him control my life and decide what was good for me when i didnt even know what was good for me. i hate that they made me go to high school but didnt build an environemnt strong enough to support me through it ever since the divorce i hated them they cant communicate and they act like children they dont do anything but fight fight fight and put me in the middle of it. in fact theyll put anyone listening in the middle of their fights. im sjck of it